June 10, 2012

I really have absolutely no idea what to say in this post tonight.

A lot has happened in the past two weeks.

We had some major roommate drama at my apartment, which caused me last weekend to go home to get away from everything. Can I just say how much I love my family? It took everything I had to not just throw my hands up in the air and say "forget about Rexburg! I'm staying right here!" But after staying with my dad, visiting Kira, visiting mom and Tracy, visiting my old night shift coworkers at Washington Terrace Care and Rehab, driving at 3am and making it to Blackfoot, parking behind a hotel, locking my doors, sleeping in my car until 5am, and making it to Rexburg at 6 am, I was ready to take on the new week. 

So I did just that. Went to class, worked things out with  my roommates, had fun with friends, etc. However, the week was kind of a blur. I've noticed I've been sleeping a lot lately. And I honestly think it's how I cope with my stress and emotions. I'm not exactly sure why though.

Monday I started my two online classes and my one other class on campus for a total of 6 classes. I didn't think the online classes would be too difficult because well, they're online. But I kind of forgot that the classes I picked up starting on Monday are called "block classes". Meaning that I'm taking them the second half of the semester. So I have to do the exact same amount of work that I would do in a full semester, in half a semester. This lead to a lot of stress this week and almost a breakdown. 

I had a really fun weekend. I went on a date with one of my FHE brothers on Friday night, and we spent time together again last night. He's really nice and I hope our friendship continues. But that's my problem. Friendship. I just don't understand myself. It's like I want a relationship with someone but then when I go on dates I kinda freak out. But then I realize I start liking a guy and get really excited. Then the guy tells me he's not interested, doesn't have time, just got out of a relationship, etc. and I'm hurt for a good 10-20 minutes, and then I justify it by telling myself it's okay because I love being alone and am not ready to date. I just when the right one does come along, it'll all just fall into place. At least, let's hope so. And to be 100% honest, I would be okay if it didn't happen for another year or so. I feel like I still have so much more growing to do on my own.

Saturday morning I met my mom and Tracy at grandpa's house in Idaho Falls. Originally we were going to do yard work with a bunch of friends that I had invited but the weather didn't look very promising so mom cancelled that. Instead we visited with grandpa for a while, and went to lunch at Smitty's. I LOVE Smitty's! But I'll only go there with family... it's kind of a tradition. Then we went back to grandpa's house where uncle Steve was doing some work and had a 6 month old black lab in the back of his truck. I cannot explain how excited I was to play with his puppy! But unfortunately the puppy didn't want to play :( He kept growling and barking at me and wouldn't come near me. But uncle Steve said it's cuz he's still learning what kind of people to be around, how to act, etc.

So we visited with grandpa a little more then came back to Rexburg. I showed mom and Tracy my apartment and we went on a little adventure to the new apartment that I'll be staying at in the Fall.

I got into a program called Fast Grad meaning I'll be taking three 15 credit semesters a year instead of 2. I start in the Fall and I'm EXTREMELY nervous!!! The 15 credits I'm taking aren't easy classes.... In fact, for this upcoming Fall semester the classes I'm taking are Chemistry, Neurobiology, Health Communications, Health and Fitness, and Teachings of Prophets. And then Winter and Spring semester of next year are all biology courses. I really hope that I can do it. 

I'll be living with a nice girl I went to high school with named Camille Jasperson. I'm really nervous about this too because it's a new apartment, new roommates, and I'll be sharing a room instead of having a private room. But oh well. Change is good.... right?

Today I went to church, took a nap, read my scriptures, hung out with my roommates and girls from across the hall, and took a cookie cake to two of our FHE brothers who had birthdays this past week. I was feeling really down about the guy that I kind of have been liking who doesn't like me back so I decided to read a couple chapters in "Miracle of Forgiveness" while walking on the treadmill in the Ivy gym. This actually helped a lot but then it got me thinking about past decisions I've made and the repentance that I'm continually going through. I thought the work out and reading would help but in the end, it lead to the breakdown that I knew was going to come eventually all week long.

My sweet roommate Jacqi made dinner and while we were eating my mom called and asked if I was okay. I knew that if she was able to see me face to face she'd definitely know I wasn't okay. But I did my best to hide it in my voice and told her everything was fine. Then she asked me about a facebook post I made a couple days ago that said "Sometimes I just miss you". She asked who it was about and I said the person it was about and who has been on my mind for two years this Thursday. Her response to this was "Oh sweetie...." and then the tears came. And they continued for a good couple hours. As I talked to my mom about the pain I've been going through I started feeling better. And then Jacqi sat down and started talking to me and the tears started coming again. As Jacqi cleaned up dinner, I went and got ready for bed and as I was washing my face the tears began again. 

And to finish the night off, I get on facebook and see that my old  high school flame is engaged. I really am happy for him, but sometimes it still hurts.

I've definitely been through a lot in my life. And sometimes I think that's an understatement. Parents getting divorced, high school boyfriend drama, parents getting remarried, going to college, moving to a different state, truly falling in love only to have it taken away, going through so much pain I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, roommate drama, being relief society president, making mistakes, figuring out what career path to take, having friends get married and having children, and wondering what in the world am I doing wrong.

But through all of these trials there have been wonderful blessings. I have grown so much in just the last month, let alone the last year, or two years, or since my parents got divorced. I know that Heavenly Father has put people in my life for reasons that I may not ever understand or know but that they have benefited me and helped me grow in some way. I know that the trials I'm going through and will go through help me grow into the woman I want to become and will help me become stronger than I've ever known possible. I know that as I strive to do that which I know is right, I'll be blessed and be happier than I have ever been. 

I know that tonight's breakdown is definitely not the last and that sometimes it's okay to cry and let everything out. I still feel like crying some more right now actually lol and I know that Heavenly Father will never ever ever ever leave me. Because I'm His daughter and He loves me more than I can comprehend. 

This week is going to be crazy but ya know what? I'm gonna make it great :)

I LOVE MY LIFE