I've been thinking quite a bit these last couple of days...
About what it is I'm supposed to do with my life.
I keep thinking about a mission...
But it scares me so much..
It scares me because I feel so inadequate..

I was talking to my grandparents last week, and they told me it doesn't matter if I take missionary prep, or read "Preach My Gospel" cover to cover.
All that matters is that my heart is in the right place.
That I have a true testimony, and I'm going because it's what I desire to do.

But leaving for 18 months...
So much has happened in the last month..
My nephews and nieces will be growing up..
My friends could get married..

Sometimes I wish I wouldn't have ever had to grow up...
When I'm out in public seeing a young couple with a child it's like I feel so in between.
I think, man I wish I was still a kid, but then I look at the couple and wish I had that too.

I know I've said as long as I'm doing what I'm supposed to, Heavenly Father will bless me.
I guess I just lack the faith.

I guess life just goes on.
One thing is for sure though.
I know that I can get through this.
Whether by myself, or with others that love me.
I've learned life just throws things at you that can turn everything upside down.
I need to figure out how to deal with that kind of stuff.

So the question is:
To go on a mission, or not to go?...

Although crazy, messed up, scary, lonely, and sometimes misesrable,

I LOVE MY LIFE