A New Beginning... maybe

I made a big decisions tonight.
Some decisions that could change my life.
Decisions that have indeed made me cry tonight.

I'm going to shoot towards a mission
Because the only man who hasn't let me down is my Heavenly Father.
I think about all of the people who don't have the gospel.
How scary it must be to not know why you're here.
After everything Heavenly Father has given me,
and after all of the mistakes I've made...
I'd like to do all I can to share His message.

I have a weekly goal list I made earlier after I talked to someone.
And this is it:

• Read scriptures everyday
• Prayer everyday
• No crying
• Smile

They seem like four simple things right? So I shouldn't have a problem accomplishing it :)

My life has been twisted and almost a dream the last couple months. But I'm grateful for the lessons I've learned.

Like:No matter what others say to you, the only opinion that matters is your own.
If someone truly cares about you, they'll fight for your friendship and love... even in the hardest times.
Those who can't make ultimate decisions in their life when it comes to something as important as friendship, don't deserve your friendship in the first place.
Forgiveness is key. However, it doesn't have to come right away. You can take your time.
Your happiness is whats most important. It might mean climbing a horrible mountain, but at the top, you can look down and see what you've overcome.
Friends may come and go, but family is forever.

Well, guys and gals, thanks for reading :)

I LOVE MY LIFE

I've been thinking quite a bit these last couple of days...
About what it is I'm supposed to do with my life.
I keep thinking about a mission...
But it scares me so much..
It scares me because I feel so inadequate..

I was talking to my grandparents last week, and they told me it doesn't matter if I take missionary prep, or read "Preach My Gospel" cover to cover.
All that matters is that my heart is in the right place.
That I have a true testimony, and I'm going because it's what I desire to do.

But leaving for 18 months...
So much has happened in the last month..
My nephews and nieces will be growing up..
My friends could get married..

Sometimes I wish I wouldn't have ever had to grow up...
When I'm out in public seeing a young couple with a child it's like I feel so in between.
I think, man I wish I was still a kid, but then I look at the couple and wish I had that too.

I know I've said as long as I'm doing what I'm supposed to, Heavenly Father will bless me.
I guess I just lack the faith.

I guess life just goes on.
One thing is for sure though.
I know that I can get through this.
Whether by myself, or with others that love me.
I've learned life just throws things at you that can turn everything upside down.
I need to figure out how to deal with that kind of stuff.

So the question is:
To go on a mission, or not to go?...

Although crazy, messed up, scary, lonely, and sometimes misesrable,

I LOVE MY LIFE

blah.

I've protested with myself for the last couple weeks of whether or not to post some feelings...
However, I know it's good for me.

I tell myself everyday that if I just do what I'm supposed to, Heavenly Father will help me in whatever ways I need.
It's just hard to watch everyone around me so happy when I struggle to figure out who I am and what I want.

I'm already so independent.
I guess life just gets hard sometimes.
Maybe 2011 will be a better year...
I sure freakin hope so...
Maybe if I fall asleep long enough,
I'll wake up to realize this was all just the worst nightmare of all time,
and I'll be 5 again :)
Playing the memory game with my mom on the living room floor.
Or eating an icecream cone while watching Winnie the Pooh.
Or jumping on the trampoline just to have Austin tackle me because he's obbsessed with WCW wrestling...
My daddy's Brittany Spaniel dog Jake is running around in our big backyard..
Back to the days when I wanted grow up so badly...
How much I wish I could go back and tell myself
"Kid, your life is going to be far from easy. Enjoy this now. Don't fight with your siblings...cuz before you know it, none of them will want to speak to you or they'll resent you for the rest of your childhood because you're the youngest. Don't mind that your parents will be getting divorced. It's pretty normal. Don't worry about not fitting in, you were born to stand out, and don't you EVER let anyone tell you different. High school is going to be HELL. and that's an understatement. You're going to have enemies, friends, and heartbreak. And most boys probably won't tell you that you're special, or that you're a princess. But even if you have to look in the mirror every single day and tell yourself that you are... as long as YOU believe it, then it's true. And most importantly, you have to KNOW that even when you feel so alone, like there's nobody in the whole world who cares... your Heavenly Father will always be there."

I wish I would've known...

Sometimes.... life. just. hurts.

In the Last Year...

I had a conversation the other day my amazing mom.
I've been having a pretty emotional time lately.
When my mom told me she's proud of how far I've come in the last year.
And I realized... she's right.

So I decided to make a list of the things I've done in the last year.

Moved out on my own

Learned to deal with hard roommates

Set foot on a college campus and attended classes

Made friends from all over the world

Wrote so many missionaries I lost count

Moved to a different state

Completely changed because of BYUI

Made lifetime long best friends (Lisa Miller)

Dated so many different kinds of guys...

Learned to budget

Held 3 different callings in the church

Become comfortable with myself

Went inside two different temples

Traveled to California on my own

Got out of my comfort zone.. a lot

Realized how much I LOVE science

cut out tanning and getting my nails done :) BIG ACCOMPLISHMENT haha

Said no to shopping... Another big accomplishment

Learned how to cook.. kind of :)

Got not only one.. but two jobs

Fallen in love, had my heart broken, and have broken hearts

Became closer than I ever thougt possible with my brother Austin

Forgiven like crazy...

Faced my deepest fears..

Realized that no matter how much I didn't want to admit it... I love the gospel and can't live without it.

Cried like I never have before

Smiled like I never have before

I'm sure there's more. The point is: I'm finally discovering who I am. And who I want to be.

No matter what anyone tells me... I'm beautiful, smart, hard working, loving, caring, passionate, stubborn, crazy, emotional, and a total mess most of the time. But ya know what? I wouldn't change one single thing about me. I love who I am. And if others don't... well then, they just don't know what they're missing out on :)

October 2009

November 2009

December 2009

January 2010

February 2010

March 2010

April 2010

May 2010

June 2010

July 2010

August 2010

September 2010

I LOVE MY LIFE

It's The Little Things

Alright, so a lot has happened since I last posted.

My mom got engaged :) Super happy for her.

Labor Day with my family was fun.

Since that weekend, I've learned SO much about myself.

I've discovered my faults, as well as my better qualities.

I've discovered those who I truly love, and how blessed I am.

My 5 major faults:

Complaining

Stubborness

Self-esteem

Worrying

Emotional

My 5 major better qualities:

Compassion

Believing

Trying my hardest

Not giving up

Passionate

I also found that you don't really understand, comprehend, appreciate, and possibly fully love something or someone until you've lost, or almost lost it, or them.

I don't know how I got so blessed...

I've realized, I don't need money, a nice house, nice things, or anything of that sort.

Love, and the gospel, is already more than I could ever want and appreciate.

From last night until forever, I am making 3 public promises to myself and anyone else who's willing to hear (or in this case read) them.

I promise I will always try my best to be positive in all things and aspects.

I promise I will always try my best to put others first.

I promise I will always try my best to love with all my heart.

I would never change anything about my past, who I've become, and where I'm going.

I love my life.

Alone

Everyone knows what it feels like to be alone at one point or another.

Whether they're physically alone, or just feel like they don't have anyone to talk to.

Have you ever had a dream?

Something you knew was going to happen no matter what?

No matter what anyone told you, you just knew they were wrong..

What happens when they become right?...

When everything you thought you knew got flipped upside down...

When friends, family, and love just seem like things...

And you feel that there's not one person you want to talk to.

Becauuse you don't even know how you're feeling yourself.

To have so much trust, care, love, and passion for someone or something..

And then in one second...everything can change.

Not knowing how to feel... feeling nothing.

Hoping to wake up the next morning realizing that moment was just a bad dream...

Or the last 3 months was just a dream...

or the last year...

or your whole life...

Sometimes I just don't get it.

But this is life right?

We're not supposed to get it.

At least I don't think we are.

Alone.

With everything going on...

I still feel it.

Today,

I don't know how I feel about life.

A Little Overdo...

Alright, so I've been putting this off for what seems like forever now.

I've gotten to the point that so much was happening that I thought

"This is going to take forever to blog"

And yet, here I am.

Ready to spend probably the next 2-3 hours telling you what has happened since I last blogged.

Here we go....

FAMILY WEEKEND

I left good ol' Rexburg on Thursday after I had rested from work.

Can I just say it's SO HARD having divorced parents...

When I go home I get pulled both ways so badly and being me, I like to please everyone.

Thursday night I went to my dad's first and visited for a bit.

Then I went to my mom's :)

Friday morning I woke up and got ready for my dad's sealing.

I didn't have to meet Austin until a bit later so I decided to stop at Cutler's and surprise Kira.

She freaked haha

It was awesome :)

Then I went to my dad's and bugged Austin until he was ready to go, considering I had been ready for literally HOURS.

We headed for the bountiful temple (stopped on the way for energy drinks of course)

We got to the temple and sat in the waiting room for a while.

The fam came out and we took a couple pics.

I hung with Maddi and chased Connor around.

Then we went to a restraunt in Kaysville.

I had been having this problem where I was NEVER hungry and had to force myself to eat.

Scary I know.

So when we got to the restraunt, naturally I wasn't hungry.

And Connor was being..... well Connor.

So I had a couple bites and went out with him in the foyer and played.

Best part of that?

I taught him to say "BYU sucks"

His dad Mike LOVES BYU and we're die hard Ute fans.

Needless to say when Connor ran up to Mike and said this... his dad was in shock.

Now I always ask: "Connor, do you like Utah or BYU?" his response is always

"BYU Sucks"

I also taught him to say "Goofball", and "Austin's a butt" :) I'm quite pleased with myself :)

That night Bre, Trever, Austin, and I went to Boondocks.

SO FUN!

Saturday I slept in until like 3pm.

Awesome.

Then mom and I went with Tracy to the skydiving place in Ogden.

Unfortunately stupid Utah weather permitted us from going skydiving :(

Oh well, we'll try again another time.

Instead we went out to dinner (again, like five bites of a salad)

and we went to a movie. "The Other Guys"

Super inappropriate. I wouldn't recommend it.

Sunday I slept in.

Kira came over and we talked for a bit.

I don't remember what I did after that.

I think I went over to my dad's for a bit.

Who knows

Monday I woke up early and headed to Raging Waters with the fam.

Fun but tiring.

My knee was killing me.

Connor was EVERYWHERE

Water was freezing

Austin and I got into an argument.

But it really was fun.

Then I got a pedicure with mom.

I came back to Rexburg Thursday morning.

I did a lot of laundry, cleaning, organizing, and spent time with the fam.

Since then I've just been workin my butt of here in Rexburg.

I work nights still as a CNA but I got another job as well.

I work at a place called "Upper Valley Options Developmental Disabilities Agency"

But for short we call it "Options"

It a place for those who are disabled to come and learn to do everyday things.

I love it there, but it doesn't pay much.

My life has been crazy

I love my life :)