confusing times

If someone would have come up to me the day I turned 16 and said:
"In 4 years, you'll be at BYU-Idaho, and more things than you can ever imagine will have happened to you",
I probably wouldn't have believed them.

I'm so grateful for my roommates.
Life is never easy for anyone.
I've had a great last couple days.
But sometimes things can get so confusing.

I'm so glad that tonight as I was marching out the door to drive to wherever my car took me, with tears rolling down my cheeks, Megan my roommate said three simple words.
"Alicia, come here."
Followed by a very appreciated hug from her and Kristina.
I let everything out.
My secrets, my fears, everything.
And they just sat there and listened, hugged me, and continued to listen.

Heavenly Father puts angels in our lives all the time without us even recognizing it.
These two girls tonight are definitely in my life for a reason.
I'm so grateful that I live with them and I no longer feel the way I did earlier tonight.

Like I said, my life has been confusing lately.
Dating, family, work, emotions, friends, decision, everything.
I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and there's a lesson to be learned.
But you know those times when you're in the trial and you're just praying that it all be over soon?
That's where I'm at.
I remember in high school, that was pretty much all I ever did.
I prayed that I could get through the next day.
And now that I look back at highschool, I think wow.
I got through all of that?
Look at all of those lessons and how much stronger I am!
It's when you're in the trial that it feels like time can't go any slower.

I've been told it takes 21 days to break or make a habit.
The problem is, I'm not trying to break or make a habit.
I just want my life to move on without the painful feelings.
Will 21 days make them go away?
How many weeks will it take?
How many months?
I've also been told to just take things a day at a time.
What to do... what to do...
I sure don't know.
I usually don't.

As hard as it is right now...
i love my life

No Sleep

It's 8:25 am.

No big deal right?

Except for the fact that I got off work at 6am..

and now I can't sleep.

I wish I could say not sleeping is uncommon for me.

But it's not.

Work went pretty well this weekend.

Weekends seem to fly by for me since i'm up all night at work and sleep during the day.

This past week, Sunday was my favorite day by far.

I got to bear my testimony, feel the spirit so strong, get a temple recommend, and because I was in such a good mood, work went really well.

There's nothing like having a resident tell you how sweet you are and how much they appreciate you :)

Amazingly enough, some of my friends are coming back into my life.

It's been nice catching up with them, and I'm hoping to see them soon.

I'm really excited to go home for Thanksgiving.

Usually I HATE major holidays.

Parents being divorced never gets easier...

And I've always had a hard time being the odd person out without a "significant other".

Well, thankfully, my brother Austin isn't dating anyone! So we get to be loners together!

Haha, I'm selfish lol

As much as I would like a significant other for the holidays, I'm looking forward to spending it with my family. This might be the last holidays I get to spend with them for two years!

Crazy!!

I'm really homesick and miss... everything... but I really miss my puppy Cocoa and my nephews and nieces.

Well, that's my life lately.

Taking things a day at a time and trying to enjoy every second :)

I LOVE MY LIFE

Mysteries Unsolved..

*insert huge sigh of relief here*

My life lately has been the biggest blessing in disguise.
And I'm so grateful for it.

I'm the kind of girl that distances herself when life starts getting a little bumpy.
I've lost some great friends in the last month for so many different reasons.
And I honestly hope that one day they'll come back into my life eventually.

This last week has been so confusing.
I've been filled with heartbreak, comfort, anger, love, and pretty much any other emotion you can think of.
I've been wondering why I let myself get into a certain situation.
And then it hit me while I was sitting in the temple parking lot tonight.
I learned another lesson.

I've sat here and wondered why all of my friends an classmates are getting married.
A while ago, I actually thought I was going to be one of them soon.
I wondered why Heavenly Father would let those thughts come into my head and let me feel those feeings so strong.
Here's where the lesson comes in:
I had those thoughts and feelings so that when they were suddenly broken off...
I would realize what I DON'T and DO want in a future husband.
And I've been thinking about a mission...
If I would've gotten married... how could I KNOW that a mission is 100% right for me and KNOW that it's what I want and what I'm supposed to do? :)

Yep, that's right.
Although I'm scared, I'm so grateful that I've had my heart broken to realize that I'm not supposed to give my heart to anybody else but Heavenly Father.

Of course I miss the benefits of being in a relationship but I know when someone isn't treating me the way I deserve. And I also know from experience that I need to follow the spirit.

My life is changing :)
In so many GOOD ways!
I'm so excited for school to start!
I get to be social and learn and Lisa will be back!!

I can't wait for my life to be flipped upside down with happiness and goodness :)
And I'm even happier that it started today :)

I LOVE MY LIFE!

A New Beginning... maybe

I made a big decisions tonight.
Some decisions that could change my life.
Decisions that have indeed made me cry tonight.

I'm going to shoot towards a mission
Because the only man who hasn't let me down is my Heavenly Father.
I think about all of the people who don't have the gospel.
How scary it must be to not know why you're here.
After everything Heavenly Father has given me,
and after all of the mistakes I've made...
I'd like to do all I can to share His message.

I have a weekly goal list I made earlier after I talked to someone.
And this is it:

• Read scriptures everyday
• Prayer everyday
• No crying
• Smile

They seem like four simple things right? So I shouldn't have a problem accomplishing it :)

My life has been twisted and almost a dream the last couple months. But I'm grateful for the lessons I've learned.

Like:No matter what others say to you, the only opinion that matters is your own.
If someone truly cares about you, they'll fight for your friendship and love... even in the hardest times.
Those who can't make ultimate decisions in their life when it comes to something as important as friendship, don't deserve your friendship in the first place.
Forgiveness is key. However, it doesn't have to come right away. You can take your time.
Your happiness is whats most important. It might mean climbing a horrible mountain, but at the top, you can look down and see what you've overcome.
Friends may come and go, but family is forever.

Well, guys and gals, thanks for reading :)

I LOVE MY LIFE

I've been thinking quite a bit these last couple of days...
About what it is I'm supposed to do with my life.
I keep thinking about a mission...
But it scares me so much..
It scares me because I feel so inadequate..

I was talking to my grandparents last week, and they told me it doesn't matter if I take missionary prep, or read "Preach My Gospel" cover to cover.
All that matters is that my heart is in the right place.
That I have a true testimony, and I'm going because it's what I desire to do.

But leaving for 18 months...
So much has happened in the last month..
My nephews and nieces will be growing up..
My friends could get married..

Sometimes I wish I wouldn't have ever had to grow up...
When I'm out in public seeing a young couple with a child it's like I feel so in between.
I think, man I wish I was still a kid, but then I look at the couple and wish I had that too.

I know I've said as long as I'm doing what I'm supposed to, Heavenly Father will bless me.
I guess I just lack the faith.

I guess life just goes on.
One thing is for sure though.
I know that I can get through this.
Whether by myself, or with others that love me.
I've learned life just throws things at you that can turn everything upside down.
I need to figure out how to deal with that kind of stuff.

So the question is:
To go on a mission, or not to go?...

Although crazy, messed up, scary, lonely, and sometimes misesrable,

I LOVE MY LIFE

blah.

I've protested with myself for the last couple weeks of whether or not to post some feelings...
However, I know it's good for me.

I tell myself everyday that if I just do what I'm supposed to, Heavenly Father will help me in whatever ways I need.
It's just hard to watch everyone around me so happy when I struggle to figure out who I am and what I want.

I'm already so independent.
I guess life just gets hard sometimes.
Maybe 2011 will be a better year...
I sure freakin hope so...
Maybe if I fall asleep long enough,
I'll wake up to realize this was all just the worst nightmare of all time,
and I'll be 5 again :)
Playing the memory game with my mom on the living room floor.
Or eating an icecream cone while watching Winnie the Pooh.
Or jumping on the trampoline just to have Austin tackle me because he's obbsessed with WCW wrestling...
My daddy's Brittany Spaniel dog Jake is running around in our big backyard..
Back to the days when I wanted grow up so badly...
How much I wish I could go back and tell myself
"Kid, your life is going to be far from easy. Enjoy this now. Don't fight with your siblings...cuz before you know it, none of them will want to speak to you or they'll resent you for the rest of your childhood because you're the youngest. Don't mind that your parents will be getting divorced. It's pretty normal. Don't worry about not fitting in, you were born to stand out, and don't you EVER let anyone tell you different. High school is going to be HELL. and that's an understatement. You're going to have enemies, friends, and heartbreak. And most boys probably won't tell you that you're special, or that you're a princess. But even if you have to look in the mirror every single day and tell yourself that you are... as long as YOU believe it, then it's true. And most importantly, you have to KNOW that even when you feel so alone, like there's nobody in the whole world who cares... your Heavenly Father will always be there."

I wish I would've known...

Sometimes.... life. just. hurts.

In the Last Year...

I had a conversation the other day my amazing mom.
I've been having a pretty emotional time lately.
When my mom told me she's proud of how far I've come in the last year.
And I realized... she's right.

So I decided to make a list of the things I've done in the last year.

Moved out on my own

Learned to deal with hard roommates

Set foot on a college campus and attended classes

Made friends from all over the world

Wrote so many missionaries I lost count

Moved to a different state

Completely changed because of BYUI

Made lifetime long best friends (Lisa Miller)

Dated so many different kinds of guys...

Learned to budget

Held 3 different callings in the church

Become comfortable with myself

Went inside two different temples

Traveled to California on my own

Got out of my comfort zone.. a lot

Realized how much I LOVE science

cut out tanning and getting my nails done :) BIG ACCOMPLISHMENT haha

Said no to shopping... Another big accomplishment

Learned how to cook.. kind of :)

Got not only one.. but two jobs

Fallen in love, had my heart broken, and have broken hearts

Became closer than I ever thougt possible with my brother Austin

Forgiven like crazy...

Faced my deepest fears..

Realized that no matter how much I didn't want to admit it... I love the gospel and can't live without it.

Cried like I never have before

Smiled like I never have before

I'm sure there's more. The point is: I'm finally discovering who I am. And who I want to be.

No matter what anyone tells me... I'm beautiful, smart, hard working, loving, caring, passionate, stubborn, crazy, emotional, and a total mess most of the time. But ya know what? I wouldn't change one single thing about me. I love who I am. And if others don't... well then, they just don't know what they're missing out on :)

October 2009

November 2009

December 2009

January 2010

February 2010

March 2010

April 2010

May 2010

June 2010

July 2010

August 2010

September 2010

I LOVE MY LIFE