Christmas

It feels like it's been forever since I've posted!

Right now I'm at my sisters house, babysitting my two adorable nephews!

Let me tell you about what's been happening in my life :)

I've been quite the grouch lately.

Now some may say this is just how I am...

Although, I know that it's not just me.

I started a new medication about a month ago.

On Christmas night, my sweet cousin Donna and I had a wonderful talk and I told her about this medication.

We did some research and guess what?

This medication's side effects are of the devil!

And I blame all of my moodiness on it.

I seriously have been so irritable and moody.

My anxiety is going crazy and I've been freaking out over the littlest things.

Let's just say, I'm not taking that medication anymore.

My new escape has been working out at the gym.

AMAZING!

It kills my back and knees to run but it's so worth it.

Lifting weights, biking, and running have helped me get my stress and anger out so much!

I just hope that once I get back up to Rexburg that I can keep my routine up!

Christmas was kind of a blur for me.

Although I'm very thankful for the gifts I received.

It was nice to catch up with my family.

The past week with my mom has been great.

We've hung out a lot and I even went to breakfast with my dad one day.

I did some recording, but I'm on my sister's computer so I'll have to put the videos up later.

That's been my other escape.

Playing the piano.

Holy Moses I forgot how much I loved playing.

I've finished an entire piano book of primary songs by Paul Cardall and it has been amazing to feel the spirit while I play.

I've spent the last two nights at Kira's house :)

We've watched Glee and talked a lot.

I've also gone to lunch with Jessica and talked about quite a lot.

I dyed my hair today :)

I'm back to my old blonde self!

It's gonna take some time to get used to.

I realized that when I got to Utah State and was on my own, in college, I thought I had to change.

So I dyed my hair to brown, and became something I'm not.

I was able to talk to a great man today. His name is Dr. Empy.

We talked about what's been going on in my life.

Wanna know what he told me?

He said I'm too hard on myself.

And he's right.

He said I'm trying so hard to please other people that I've completely forgotten about myself.

So my goal is to really concentrate on making myself happy.

I'm going to work out everyday.

Eat right.

Get plenty of sleep.

And stop comparing myself to others.

I only talked to him today and I'm already starting to change back to my old self.

I loved being blonde growing up, so I thought why not go back to what I want to be?

I'll put up some pictures later :)

I've really been thinking about a mission lately.

But I have so much to do to prepare.

I've been lacking in preparing so that's another goal I have.

I'm going to aim for a mission and take things a day at a time :)

As far as boys go...

I wouldn't say I've given up, I'm just not worrying about it anymore.

I know that I'm a great girl with so much potential, and when a nice guy sees that... I'll take it as it comes.

For right now, I'm going to concentrate on being happy by myself and for me :)

My mom and I talked today about one of my ex boyfriends.

I told her I couldn't figure out what I had done wrong in that relationship to make it end.

She told me that sometimes two people are great alone, but not great together.

I know that when I find the guy for me, everything will fall into place.

I'm really excited for school to start :)

I have no idea where I'm going in life.

But I've decided that's all part of the adventure :)

I LOVE MY LIFE :)

Jar of Hearts

I heard this song on the radio when I was with my brother Austin last night.
And I LOVED it!
It's kind of depressing and emotional but I loved the piano in it and all of the emotion behind it!
It's by Christina Perri

Crazy!

Wow, life has been crazy lately!
I'm currently at my mom's house for Christmas break.
Let me give you a quick little rundown of what's been going on in my life.

Work. Boys. Roommates. Moving. Friends.

Work- going great! Loving my job, making good money, good hours... super fun!

Boys- :) So... my roommates and I had to go to the mall again :) :)
I have to give you this whole story haha
So, the guy at Kay Jewelers (Derek) was working when we got to the mall.
Of course I wanted any excuse to talk to him.
So my awesome roommate Kristina pretended like she was going to be getting engaged soon and wanted to look at rings :)
Derek asked what happened with my old relationship and I simply told him it ended very unexpectedly and that they guy I was dating just didn't feel right about it anymore.
I asked why his relationship ended and he gave me his reasons.
I then asked him if he was dating anyone... he said no.
He asked if I was dating anyone... I told him a couple dates here and there, but nothing TOO serious.
We finished our conversation and quickly headed on our way.
I was a little upset for not getting his number again but there wasn't really a good moment to.

My roommates and I proceeded on our mall adventure to Dillards.
We decided to look at some bedding when I found the CUTEST ROXY bedding!
Let me just tell you, I'm a HUGE ROXY girl!
And Roxy bedding is super hard to find!
And it's super expensive!
Well...
the bedding I found was not only an 8 piece set, but it was the exact colors to match everything I already have and was 70% off!!!!
It was originally $260 but I purchased it for only $60!!!
I was one HAPPY girl!!!

Because I was on this happy high, I decided I had nothing to lose.
I went back to Kay Jewelers by myself and luckily Derek was the only one not helping a customer.
He had a smile on his face when he saw me and I said
"Hey, I normally don't ever do this but... would you maybe wanna hang out sometime?"...
His response?
"Yeah! I'm glad you came back in! I was gonna ask you out but you left in such a hurry!"
:)
That's how it's done ladies and gentleman lol

We hung out the next night playing catch phrase with my roommates and some friends,
and then hung out again Tuesday night playing Call of Duty and watching Deja Vu.
He's an awesome friend and I'm really glad I had the guts to go back and get his number.

I've been dating some other guys too but as of right now I'm just still super confused about some stuff and am just enjoying dating.

A mission is still on my mind a lot and I figure if something is supposed to happen with a guy, it will :)

Roommates:
So I had amazing roommates this past semester!
And saying goodbye to them was really hard!
But luckily the last couple weeks of school we all got to hang out more and get even closer!
I love those girls!

Moving:
My mom came up on Friday and helped me clean and move my stuff to my Aunt and Uncle's house in Rigby.
Then we headed back to Utah where I'll be staying for the next two weeks.
When I go back to Rexburg I'll be back in my new apartment and Lisa will be there!! yay!

Friends:
Rule #1-if you have plans with somebody, don't blow them off!
Rule #2- if you have plans with somebody, don't go hang out with somebody else you know is going to bother the original person.
Rule #3- if you have plans with somebody, don't think everything will be alright when you tell them you can't hang out with them because they're hanging out with an old friend who hates your guts for no apparent reason at all and then say "I'm not gonna get in the middle of it".
Oh honey, you've already gotten in the middle of it! Especially when this other friend hasn't been a friend at all.... to anyone!
Okay, venting about that is done :)

For this break, I have some fun plans!
When I got here Friday, I went to a ward Christmas party, then played the Wii with my brother in law Mike.
Today my mom and I went shopping for super cute boots that Santa will be giving me Christmas morning!

I got these ones in black!

I got these ones in brown!

Then we went to walmart, I went shopping with my brother Austin, we went to a family Christmas party (super fun! Austin and I played basketball practically the WHOLE time!), and we went and saw Harry Potter!
Tomorrow I will be sleeping. After church. Maybe.
Monday I'm leaving with my sister, brother in law, and three kids to go to our Condo in Midway :) We'll be having dinner with my uncle, aunt, and cousin who are visiting from Tennessee and we'll be spending the night! yay! (I LOVE going to the condo!)
Tuesday my family and I are going tubing in Park City!
Wednesday and Thursday.... no idea.
Friday: Hang out at Gma and Gpa Woods, Christmas Eve dinner at moms!
Saturday: Presents at moms, hang at Gma and Gpa woods, wii all day baby!
Sunday: Church, lunch, open presents from dad and debb.... sleep!

That's all I got so far.

I'm dying my hair back to blonde sometime that week too! yay!

I have some pics I need to put up on here... maybe later lol
Well, that's all I have for now!

I LOVE MY LIFE

A Girl Like Me

I wrote this song tonight.
Let me know what you think :)

A Girl Like Me

I may not have the gorgeous looks
I may not be popular
I may not walk in stiletto heels
I'm nothing like the other girls.
I may not have the smarts, the brains
I may have a lot of insecurities
But one thing's for sure...
You aint never met a girl like me.

I can't help myself, I talk way too much.
And in the wrong place, I don't talk enough.
But I'll stand my ground... I'll try to act tough.
I can't figure out the difference between my wants and needs.
But one thing's for sure...
You aint never met a girl like me.

Chorus:
Go ahead and call me crazy
Go ahead, say I'm the different one.
Think all you want about me,
Go ahead and make some fun.
Go ahead yeah it's okay,
Cuz at the end of every day,
I'm proud to say...
You aint never met a girl like me.

I may wear too bright of colors
in the season of fall.
I may study for hours,
and come away with nothing at all.
I may have strong opinions,
I may be obsessive with some things.
But one thing's for sure...
You aint never met a girl like me.

Chorus

Think all you want about me.
Go ahead and make some fun....

Chorus

Go ahead yeah it's okay
Cuz at the end of everyday
I'm proud to say
You aint never met a girl like me.

Last Kiss

It's amazing to me how much someone can grow in such little time...
In my last post I mentioned an ex of mine that I was pretty serious with.
For a while, I've refused to talk about it with anyone...
But now I look at where I am and almost want to cry because of how far I've come..

It's crazy for me to look back on my old relationship.
Because I honestly remember very little of it.
Unfortunately, I tend to repress memories, whether good or bad.

I haven't had my facebook for a reason...
However the other day I was looking at pictures on my camera and ran across a picture of he and I from back then.
And it was so weird because it was like I didn't even recognize him or even remember the event when that picture was taken...

There's a song by Taylor Swift called "Last Kiss" that always reminds me of him.
And yet rather than crying, I can't help but smile.

Not just this relationship, but all of mine that I've been through have been such blessings for me.
I've learned so much about myself through every one of them and am so grateful for the hurt I had to go through.
Sometimes I wonder how in the world Heavenly Father trusts me and loves me so much.

All of the wonderful young men that I have dated and gotten to grow close to will never know how thankful I am for them.

Of course all relationships have their regrets and the things I wish I could have done differently.
But I've just realized lately how grateful I am for the lessons I've learned with dating.

So for any "ex" that's reading this, thank you.
Thanks for putting up with me.
And for making me the person I am today.
Whether we talk or not, or you think I'm crazy or not,
Thank You.

I've always been the kind of girl that's liked to stay friends with my ex's.
And sometimes it's so hard to look back and remember certain young men who are completely out of my life now.
But no matter what, I will always be grateful :)

I LOVE MY LIFE

Optimism

To start off this post, I have a pretty interesting story to tell, and a goal that I will keep in mind this coming semester.
Once upon a time, I was going to get married.
Weird, I know.
This ex of mine and I went to Idaho Falls to Kay Jewelers to pick out my ring.
The guy that helped us at the time was also a student at BYU-Idaho and was talking to my ex about payment options. He continued to tell us how he was paying for his soon to be fiance's ring...blah blah blah.
Well, obviously I'm not married and that relationship didn't work out.
My roommates and I had a little mall trip this past weekend and I wanted to show them the beautiful ring that was almost mine.
While there, this same guy came out and crazy enough, he remembered me.
He asked me my name, I asked his and I asked how engaged life was.
And he just stared at me....
Then told me his relationship didn't work out.
I smiled and started laughing and said "Hey! Mine either!!"
He apologized for my breakup and I again just laughed and said it was okay.
So... this guy is single...I'm single....he obviously was saving up for a ring... the possibilities are endless :)
haha
We finished our flirty chat and my roommates and I went on our way to Sears.
Then my roommates tried to convince me to get his number.
Well, being me I chickened out.
And I'm kind of mad at myself for it...however this weekend we have to go to the mall again... hmmm.... :)

So my goal for this coming semester is to stop being such a chicken! Rejection sucks but hey, that's life! :)

My life has been a roller coaster lately.
However, my goal since Thanksgiving is to be ridiculously optimistic.
For example,

• I got laid off from my job in Idaho Falls as a CNA...I was so upset because I LOVED that job and couldn't figure out why I had to face this trial.But I've continued to be optimistic and realized that it was out of my control and nothing good will happen by being sad.

• I got a speeding ticket on the way back to Idaho...My insurance is now so high that you'd probably faint if I told you the amount I get to pay a month. I was upset that I was speeding, and upset that I got a ticket. But it happened. And again, nothing good would come from being upset. So I turned up my music, jammed out while driving, and went the speed limit the rest of the way home.

• A guy that told me he's had interest in me for years asked me to give him a chance, so I did, and then once he realized he had me, he gave me the "Let's just be friends" line. I trusted him, and believed him, and being a girl was a little hurt. But it's his loss and that just means there's someone better than him out there for me :)

• I love dating and socializing. But it seems like when all you want to do is be single and figure things out for yourself, guys come knocking at my door wanting more than friendship and inside i'm screaming "I'm not ready to date again!" but I'm a girl of risk and chance. I went on a date Friday night...amazing! It was SOOO much fun! Then last night, I couldn't get my car to start... ugh. There were only three guys I could think of to call that would know how to start it. An ex that wants nothing to do with me (long long long story), the guy that's 'liked me for years' (bull crap), and the guy I went out with the night before. So I called the guy I went out with and he came and helped me out. So sweet! We hung out after but here's where the crappy part comes in. Apparently I'm out of dating practice... because he didn't get a positive reaction from me. :( BUT, I HAVE to be optimistic... so here it goes: I had two nights of sooo much fun! (we played in the snow for like an hour and I haven't had that much fun and laughed like that with a guy ina LONG time), I learned that I'm out of practice so I need to get better at dating, he made me feel like my old happy, outgoing self again :), and I know that he'll always be a great friend :)

I feel like I'm doing pretty well at being optimistic :)

On Friday afternoon, my roommates and I went to Idaho Falls to get a little shopping done. I didn't buy anything, but I had lots of fun!!

Kristina and Becca (Bubba and Becca Cakes)

Megan and I (Megatron and Hollywood)

There was one thing this week that honestly helped me more than anything.

My sister's friend, Kathryn is 26 and just got engaged.

And I admire her SO much!

I emailed her a while ago letting her know how amazing I thought she was and how scared I was to get old and not be married like all of my friends.

But since her email, my views have changed completely.

I'm SO excited to possibly go on a mission, graduate college, and travel. :)

Well, that's all I have for today :)
Another week ahead of me :)

I LOVE MY LIFE :)

Thanksgiving

I don't have much time to write today but I'll do my best.

I came home for Thanksgiving on Monday and had a great time with my mom getting pedicures and dinner.
Monday night I talked to Austin for a while and hung out with my dad and Deb, then went to bed.

Tuesday I woke up at about 5:30 cuz once again, I couldn't sleep.
I grabbed some drinks from the gas station and took them over to KSG for Austin and my cousin Kadynn.
I saw Jessica Wilde there and we started talking about what has been going on in our lives for the last little while.
Then, Austin, Kadynn, Jessica, Ben Putnam, and I went to Costa Vida for some lunch.
I met my mom at her work and she introduced me to everyone, and that was fun.
Then I went to my dad's work and sat around for a while.
I stopped on my way home at Layton High School.
I went and talked to some of my old seminary teachers who immediately said
"Who's the lucky guy?! Let's see that rock!"
Well, this girl definitely doesn't have a rock on her finger...
That was really hard but it was nice to catch up with them and let them know what's been going on in my life.
That night I hung out with an old ex of mine.
Bad idea.
I forgot that it doesn't matter if it's been a year or not, guys don't change.
I don't remember the last time that I was that uncomfortable and felt so taken advantage of.
At about 9 pm I told him I needed some sleep and he needed to leave.
I also forgot that guys like this one, don't take no for an answer.
But I eventually got him out the door and I felt so disgusting.

If a girl doesn't want to hold hands or cuddle or kiss, freakin heck deal with it!

Some guys are so dumb and think it's okay to do those things just for fun!

It's not okay stupid boys! lol
Good thing we have prayer! It helped so much!

I was supposed to go on a date with this same guy on Wednesday night but I texted him Wednesday morning and let him know that he had made me feel uncomfortable and I wasn't interested in going out with him anymore.
He didn't take it too well.
But that's how life goes sometimes.
Wednesday Austin, my dad, and I went shopping at the mall.
I think I surprised my dad and brother when I didn't ask my dad to pay for anything and I gladly paid for everything myself.
I got a really cute shirt and nice sweater for the holidays.
When we got home I fell asleep on the floor and Austin woke me up and told me we were going bowling.
So my cousin Kadynn, Ben Putnam, Austin, and I went bowling.
It was weird because Ben asked why I was so emotionless...
Kadynn said it was like I wasn't sad or happy, I was just... there.
I didn't care if I got a strike or if I even got a gutterball.
I was just glad to be out doing something.
After bowling we went to Denny's and it was SO much fun!

I knew thursday (Thanksgiving) was going to be difficult for me...
Considering what I've gone through the last couple months I was NOT looking forward to this day.
Once again I couldn't sleep so I got up at about 5.
I sat around and watched tv with my sweet puppy Cocoa until about 8 when the man of the house (dad) told me to stop being lazy and do something.
This resulted in me looking at old yearbooks on my bed.
I looked at the nice things people wrote about me and wondered if they were all still true.
But I'm pretty sure they are :)
My mom called a while after and I couldn't hold back the tears any longer.
I've been really good about not crying for the last two weeks but yesterday I just couldn't do it.
She was very comforting and told me to just get through the day and tomorrow wouldn't be Thanksgiving anymore.
I got ready and went to my Aunt Mary's house.
I said hi to a few people and again, I got the whole "Why is she so emotionless" crap.
Oh well.
I ate what I could (Which was about two bites of everything) then went out to the living room with my cousin Donna.
Donna, Kelly, and Jessica are all sisters, and my favorite cousins :)
These three are the ones who I always go to for advice.
This time, I didn't go to them, they came to me lol
We talked about what had been going on in my life and what I'm doing to fix it.
All in all, it was a much needed and appreciated talk. :)

Austin and I left to go my mom's house when Austin and I got into a pretty bad argument.
My only thoughts during this was "I wouldn't even be in this argument right now if I wasn't in Utah..."
I debated whether or not to even come home for Thanksgiving. I wanted to stay in Idaho to work and keep my mind off things.
And a while ago I didn't think I'd be in Utah or Idaho... but that's something I refuse to talk about with anyone.
Of course fighting with my brother not only brought tears, but a complete meltdown.
I knew this would happen, I just didn't know when.
We got to my moms and I went upstairs to the bathroom and just sobbed...
you know the kind where you feel like you can't breathe? lol Yeah it was like that.
Then my sweet brother Trever came to my rescue and talked to me.
I told him all I wanted to do was go back to Idaho and work.
I didn't want to be here or anywhere else.
He convinced me that wasn't true and that he was glad I came.
I went downstairs and mingled with my siblings but mostly stayed pretty quiet.
There was more eating of pie going on then talking :)
I fell asleep on my moms couch and woke up to her telling me to get into bed.
I woke up this morning a little confused...
It was no longer Thanksgiving...
I had spent the night at my moms unintentionally...
and my mom wasn't home because she was on a plane on her way to Cancuun...

So I'm sitting at my moms house, on her computer (I didn't bring any electronics with me besides my cell phone), waiting for dear ol' dad to come pick me up.

Tonight I get to watch my nephews and that always is super fun :)
I'm glad Thanksgiving is over too :)
If we could just erase that day, my break so far has been wonderful :)
Minus the hanging out with the ex also.. haha

Not having my facebook has been such a good thing as well.
I had my friend Jessica change my password for me so I could focus on more important things... I was starting to get a little addicted to it.
It's actually kinda nice not knowing what everyone is doing haha

For today's song,
I was looking at youtube and I don't really know how I feel about this song but I LOVED the piano in it! So here it is :)

I LOVE MY LIFE :)

Lately

Just got home from work.
And let me just say, I have such GREAT friends!
It's like the freakin North Pole here!
It snowed sooo much!
I woke up at 4:30pm yesterday to get ready to leave for work at 5,
when I had a text from my friend Kris asking if I'd like to take his truck to work so I could get to work better in the snow.
Sweet huh!
Well, instead of driving myself
Kris drove me all the way to Idaho Falls to go to work!
And yes, he woke up at 5 am to pick me up by 6 :)
There needs to be more sweet guys like him in this world!!

So... here's the highlight of my night.
I'm in this room with a resident named Mary.
We're by her door and I say
"Mary, mary quite contrary.
How does your garden grow?
With silver bells
and.......
..............
taco.... shells....."
Random CNA walking by:
"Now that's my kinda garden! I love tacos!"
Mary:
Tacos?...
Me:
Yes Mary.
Tacos.
Mary:
But... tacos don't grow in gardens...
Me:
Oh but they do Mary....
They do....
Mary:
Okay :)
Freakin hilarious!!
Poor Mary is probably super confused now though! haha

Lately I've been lookin at videos on youtube and looking at songs to kinda find my mood for the day.
I started doing this three days ago.
So I have four songs.
Yes.
Four.
If you wanna know how I've been feeling...
Just listen/watch these songs :)
And...
I may or may not be obsessed with Kate Voegele
Just sayin... :)

Saturday's Song:

Yesterday's Song:

Today's Song:

I'm SO excited to go home!!!

I have a date Wednesday night...

Thanksgiving Thursday night...

and get to babysit my nephews on Friday night!!!!

YAY!!!

I LOVE MY LIFE!!!

I have acomplished another day :)

Missing You

I have come to the conclusion that I no longer sleep at night.
Even if I'm absolutely exhausted.
And the worst part is,
There's always one certain thing that I think of at night.
Especially when I can't sleep.

I've always admired Taylor Swift for writing songs about what she's going through.
I've thought about doing just that.
However, I don't know the kind of reaction I would get.
Or even worse, if I would get a reaction at all.

People come and go in our lives every single day.
Some, we don't even realize they've left.
Some, we notice and it hurts a little but we get over it quickly.
But then there's others that time has to help us get over them leaving.
The problem is, what if we didn't want them to leave or would do anything just for a phone call to know how they're doing?

It always hurts when somebody you care about ignores you.
Or wants nothing to do with you anymore.
I remember my senior year of high school wondering if I would ever get over a certain person walking out of my life forever.
Yes, I did get over it.
But after a lot of tears, pain, and prayer.
2 1/2 years later I realized I was okay again.
Yes, it took me that long.

I keep trying to put my mind on other things.
Like how excited I am for Thanksgiving to go home...
Although I originally had much different plans for Thanksgiving... I'm trying to stay optimistic.
What in the world is wrong with me?
Why can't I just let go?!
It cannot be this hard.
It shouldn't be this hard!
But all I can think about to help me is time, time, time.
But when you go to bed at midnight.. and can't sleep so you get up at 5 or 6..
That's a lot of TIME to sit and think.. and wonder...

I wish Heavenly Father let us look at the map of our lives whenever we were confused.
So I can look at it and say "Oh, okay! That's what I'm supposed to do next! Got it!"
But unfortunately, it doesn't happen that way.

This post might seem a little depressing and down.
But whoever is reading this, I want you to know
I AM HAPPY
I know that I'm going to do great things in my life.
But it's okay to miss people.
It's okay to hurt sometimes.
It's okay to pick up the phone and dial a number and then never push 'send'
It's okay.
Everything is okay.

One day at a time Ali... one day at a time...
And those days will turn into weeks.
Weeks will turn into months...
and months will turn into years...

Who knows what will happen in the future.
All I know is that I need to be happy for me.
No matter how much someone means to me.
No matter how much I don't mean anything to them.
It just makes me want to love that much more.
I want to be even more passionate towards others.
Because I know what heartache is like.
And I would NEVER want ANYONE to go through it.

I can do this.
And whoever believes that I can't,
YOU'RE WRONG.

I'm gonna keep my chin up.
I'm gonna smile.
And yes, I'm gonna miss and think about people.
But I need to start realizing that they don't miss me or think about me.

I love my life.
And will continue to live it happily.
I have accomplished another day.

This is my story...

Some people reading this know me better than I probably know myself.
However, I can't sleep.
And most people don't know my story.
Ya know, how I got to where I am today.
I'll try to keep it short... :)

I remember very few things from my childhood.
Good thing mom took lots of pictures.
I do know I was a brat.
A cute brat nonetheless :)
I was a daddy's girl (And still am)
I fought with my brother Austin to the point that my mom probably wanted to give us up for adoption on a weekly basis lol
I was extremely outgoing, sassy, and would question everything.
I was a cry baby, and usually got my way.
I had lots of friends and life was bliss.
I remember car rides with my dad..
stopping at the gas station to get a treat of course :)
Twirling in the foyer of the church, waiting for my dad to get out of church meetings on sundays.
Playing games with my mom..
Jumping on the trampoline with Austin.
Playing video games.
Laying on the stairs..
Climbing the monkey bars.
My dad's dog Jake..
Thinking my sister (Mialisa) had the coolest room ever.
Wishing I could play with my older siblings.
Always wanting to grow up faster...

When I was 9 my dad brought home a TeaCup Poodle.
Just for me.
I named him Cocoa.
This dog has been through everything with me.
Words cannot describe how much I love him.

When I was 11 my parents got divorced..
I still have a hard time with this.
It was at this point that I started becoming inactive with the church.

I started Junior High and told myself I was going to be outgoing and have lots of friends.
I did just that.
I had tons of friends, and I even made the ultimate choir when I was a 7th grader going into 8th.
It was my 8th grade year that I got my first boyfriend and first kiss.
I wanted so much to be like my older siblings.
Of course I was hard on myself and didn't think an A- was acceptable.
It was at this time in my life that depression became an everyday battle.
It was also the time that I had no contact with my mom... Even though she called me every single day.. That is one time in my life that I wish I would have kept her close.
9th grade was a lot of fun.
However, I didn't have as many friends and felt like the outsider.
But I kept my chin up and tried my best.

High School started and I was so excited that I had made one of the choir groups called Lace.
It's extremely hard for a 9th grader going into high school to make it, so I felt very blessed.
High School was nothing what I thought it would be.
I started early at getting into trouble.
My sophmore year was honestly the worst year I can think of.
I had friends but I was inactive, and things just didn't seem to go right.
I had my first serious boyfriend and that heartbreak took a long time to heal.

Junior year, I made a tough schedule for myself so I couldn't concentrate on all of the drama.
But of course is was still there.
I started going to church again and really loved it.
I had made the ultimate choir group called Laytones, and spent so much time concerned with one boy that I didn't get to enjoy it as much as I should have.

Senior year was really tough on me.
I had friends, and fun classes.
However, my dad got remarried. (I was no longer the only princess in his life)
I decided not to do choir again.
And most of my friends were in the drama program.
So I kinda did my own thing.

I didn't get asked to many dances like my friends.
I didn't participate as much as my friends.

I went through A LOT of guys during high school.
For whatever reason, I honestly don't know.

If I could go back and do high school again, I would do it in a heartbeat.
Because there are so many things I would change.

I thought college would be different.
WRONG.

I decided to go to Utah State University.
My dad went there and I wanted to make him proud.
All I did was waste a lot of money, lots of heart break, and learned a lot of lessons.
I would never go back there in a million years.

I decided to come to BYU-Idaho in hopes of a good change.
My first semester here was challenging but I loved it.
My second semester here was extremely challenging, but I loved it.

Now I'm here working my butt off with two jobs.
Trying to figure out who I am and where I belong.

College vs. high school
Get good grades for a future career-get good grades for a future college
Date to get married-date to have fun
Make life long friends-make friends who you'll probably never see again.
Heartache due to thinking you were gonna marry the guy-hearthache due to you no longer have a date to the dance.
Stay close to family cuz it's all you got-stay close to family cuz they control your curfew
You'd give anything to go back home-you'd give anything to get away from home
Complain about the lack of money- complain about the lack of your favorite food your mom didn't get at the store.
Deciding what to do about your lonliness-deciding which party to hit up.

These are just a couple I could think of.
Growing up, I thought I would be just like my mom and sister.
Go to highschool, get married, do some college, have kids, start a family, happily ever after.
Instead it's been: Go to highschool, go to college, work my butt off, go through heartbreak, work my butt off some more...Who knows what will happen next.

I am however grateful for what has happened in my life.
With Thanksgiving coming up I've realized what I truly am thankful for.
And I know sometimes we don't understand why certain things happen.
I know it's okay to miss people.
It's okay to be confused.
It's okay to do our best and then fail.
Because there's a lesson behind it all.
It's the getting to the end of the tunnel that's the hard part.

But while I'm getting to the end of the tunnel, I'm going to enjoy the train ride :)

I love my life.
It's so hard to figure things out...
But when I finally do get things figured out...
I'll let you know :)

confusing times

If someone would have come up to me the day I turned 16 and said:
"In 4 years, you'll be at BYU-Idaho, and more things than you can ever imagine will have happened to you",
I probably wouldn't have believed them.

I'm so grateful for my roommates.
Life is never easy for anyone.
I've had a great last couple days.
But sometimes things can get so confusing.

I'm so glad that tonight as I was marching out the door to drive to wherever my car took me, with tears rolling down my cheeks, Megan my roommate said three simple words.
"Alicia, come here."
Followed by a very appreciated hug from her and Kristina.
I let everything out.
My secrets, my fears, everything.
And they just sat there and listened, hugged me, and continued to listen.

Heavenly Father puts angels in our lives all the time without us even recognizing it.
These two girls tonight are definitely in my life for a reason.
I'm so grateful that I live with them and I no longer feel the way I did earlier tonight.

Like I said, my life has been confusing lately.
Dating, family, work, emotions, friends, decision, everything.
I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and there's a lesson to be learned.
But you know those times when you're in the trial and you're just praying that it all be over soon?
That's where I'm at.
I remember in high school, that was pretty much all I ever did.
I prayed that I could get through the next day.
And now that I look back at highschool, I think wow.
I got through all of that?
Look at all of those lessons and how much stronger I am!
It's when you're in the trial that it feels like time can't go any slower.

I've been told it takes 21 days to break or make a habit.
The problem is, I'm not trying to break or make a habit.
I just want my life to move on without the painful feelings.
Will 21 days make them go away?
How many weeks will it take?
How many months?
I've also been told to just take things a day at a time.
What to do... what to do...
I sure don't know.
I usually don't.

As hard as it is right now...
i love my life

No Sleep

It's 8:25 am.

No big deal right?

Except for the fact that I got off work at 6am..

and now I can't sleep.

I wish I could say not sleeping is uncommon for me.

But it's not.

Work went pretty well this weekend.

Weekends seem to fly by for me since i'm up all night at work and sleep during the day.

This past week, Sunday was my favorite day by far.

I got to bear my testimony, feel the spirit so strong, get a temple recommend, and because I was in such a good mood, work went really well.

There's nothing like having a resident tell you how sweet you are and how much they appreciate you :)

Amazingly enough, some of my friends are coming back into my life.

It's been nice catching up with them, and I'm hoping to see them soon.

I'm really excited to go home for Thanksgiving.

Usually I HATE major holidays.

Parents being divorced never gets easier...

And I've always had a hard time being the odd person out without a "significant other".

Well, thankfully, my brother Austin isn't dating anyone! So we get to be loners together!

Haha, I'm selfish lol

As much as I would like a significant other for the holidays, I'm looking forward to spending it with my family. This might be the last holidays I get to spend with them for two years!

Crazy!!

I'm really homesick and miss... everything... but I really miss my puppy Cocoa and my nephews and nieces.

Well, that's my life lately.

Taking things a day at a time and trying to enjoy every second :)

I LOVE MY LIFE

Mysteries Unsolved..

*insert huge sigh of relief here*

My life lately has been the biggest blessing in disguise.
And I'm so grateful for it.

I'm the kind of girl that distances herself when life starts getting a little bumpy.
I've lost some great friends in the last month for so many different reasons.
And I honestly hope that one day they'll come back into my life eventually.

This last week has been so confusing.
I've been filled with heartbreak, comfort, anger, love, and pretty much any other emotion you can think of.
I've been wondering why I let myself get into a certain situation.
And then it hit me while I was sitting in the temple parking lot tonight.
I learned another lesson.

I've sat here and wondered why all of my friends an classmates are getting married.
A while ago, I actually thought I was going to be one of them soon.
I wondered why Heavenly Father would let those thughts come into my head and let me feel those feeings so strong.
Here's where the lesson comes in:
I had those thoughts and feelings so that when they were suddenly broken off...
I would realize what I DON'T and DO want in a future husband.
And I've been thinking about a mission...
If I would've gotten married... how could I KNOW that a mission is 100% right for me and KNOW that it's what I want and what I'm supposed to do? :)

Yep, that's right.
Although I'm scared, I'm so grateful that I've had my heart broken to realize that I'm not supposed to give my heart to anybody else but Heavenly Father.

Of course I miss the benefits of being in a relationship but I know when someone isn't treating me the way I deserve. And I also know from experience that I need to follow the spirit.

My life is changing :)
In so many GOOD ways!
I'm so excited for school to start!
I get to be social and learn and Lisa will be back!!

I can't wait for my life to be flipped upside down with happiness and goodness :)
And I'm even happier that it started today :)

I LOVE MY LIFE!

A New Beginning... maybe

I made a big decisions tonight.
Some decisions that could change my life.
Decisions that have indeed made me cry tonight.

I'm going to shoot towards a mission
Because the only man who hasn't let me down is my Heavenly Father.
I think about all of the people who don't have the gospel.
How scary it must be to not know why you're here.
After everything Heavenly Father has given me,
and after all of the mistakes I've made...
I'd like to do all I can to share His message.

I have a weekly goal list I made earlier after I talked to someone.
And this is it:

• Read scriptures everyday
• Prayer everyday
• No crying
• Smile

They seem like four simple things right? So I shouldn't have a problem accomplishing it :)

My life has been twisted and almost a dream the last couple months. But I'm grateful for the lessons I've learned.

Like:No matter what others say to you, the only opinion that matters is your own.
If someone truly cares about you, they'll fight for your friendship and love... even in the hardest times.
Those who can't make ultimate decisions in their life when it comes to something as important as friendship, don't deserve your friendship in the first place.
Forgiveness is key. However, it doesn't have to come right away. You can take your time.
Your happiness is whats most important. It might mean climbing a horrible mountain, but at the top, you can look down and see what you've overcome.
Friends may come and go, but family is forever.

Well, guys and gals, thanks for reading :)

I LOVE MY LIFE

I've been thinking quite a bit these last couple of days...
About what it is I'm supposed to do with my life.
I keep thinking about a mission...
But it scares me so much..
It scares me because I feel so inadequate..

I was talking to my grandparents last week, and they told me it doesn't matter if I take missionary prep, or read "Preach My Gospel" cover to cover.
All that matters is that my heart is in the right place.
That I have a true testimony, and I'm going because it's what I desire to do.

But leaving for 18 months...
So much has happened in the last month..
My nephews and nieces will be growing up..
My friends could get married..

Sometimes I wish I wouldn't have ever had to grow up...
When I'm out in public seeing a young couple with a child it's like I feel so in between.
I think, man I wish I was still a kid, but then I look at the couple and wish I had that too.

I know I've said as long as I'm doing what I'm supposed to, Heavenly Father will bless me.
I guess I just lack the faith.

I guess life just goes on.
One thing is for sure though.
I know that I can get through this.
Whether by myself, or with others that love me.
I've learned life just throws things at you that can turn everything upside down.
I need to figure out how to deal with that kind of stuff.

So the question is:
To go on a mission, or not to go?...

Although crazy, messed up, scary, lonely, and sometimes misesrable,

I LOVE MY LIFE

blah.

I've protested with myself for the last couple weeks of whether or not to post some feelings...
However, I know it's good for me.

I tell myself everyday that if I just do what I'm supposed to, Heavenly Father will help me in whatever ways I need.
It's just hard to watch everyone around me so happy when I struggle to figure out who I am and what I want.

I'm already so independent.
I guess life just gets hard sometimes.
Maybe 2011 will be a better year...
I sure freakin hope so...
Maybe if I fall asleep long enough,
I'll wake up to realize this was all just the worst nightmare of all time,
and I'll be 5 again :)
Playing the memory game with my mom on the living room floor.
Or eating an icecream cone while watching Winnie the Pooh.
Or jumping on the trampoline just to have Austin tackle me because he's obbsessed with WCW wrestling...
My daddy's Brittany Spaniel dog Jake is running around in our big backyard..
Back to the days when I wanted grow up so badly...
How much I wish I could go back and tell myself
"Kid, your life is going to be far from easy. Enjoy this now. Don't fight with your siblings...cuz before you know it, none of them will want to speak to you or they'll resent you for the rest of your childhood because you're the youngest. Don't mind that your parents will be getting divorced. It's pretty normal. Don't worry about not fitting in, you were born to stand out, and don't you EVER let anyone tell you different. High school is going to be HELL. and that's an understatement. You're going to have enemies, friends, and heartbreak. And most boys probably won't tell you that you're special, or that you're a princess. But even if you have to look in the mirror every single day and tell yourself that you are... as long as YOU believe it, then it's true. And most importantly, you have to KNOW that even when you feel so alone, like there's nobody in the whole world who cares... your Heavenly Father will always be there."

I wish I would've known...

Sometimes.... life. just. hurts.

In the Last Year...

I had a conversation the other day my amazing mom.
I've been having a pretty emotional time lately.
When my mom told me she's proud of how far I've come in the last year.
And I realized... she's right.

So I decided to make a list of the things I've done in the last year.

Moved out on my own

Learned to deal with hard roommates

Set foot on a college campus and attended classes

Made friends from all over the world

Wrote so many missionaries I lost count

Moved to a different state

Completely changed because of BYUI

Made lifetime long best friends (Lisa Miller)

Dated so many different kinds of guys...

Learned to budget

Held 3 different callings in the church

Become comfortable with myself

Went inside two different temples

Traveled to California on my own

Got out of my comfort zone.. a lot

Realized how much I LOVE science

cut out tanning and getting my nails done :) BIG ACCOMPLISHMENT haha

Said no to shopping... Another big accomplishment

Learned how to cook.. kind of :)

Got not only one.. but two jobs

Fallen in love, had my heart broken, and have broken hearts

Became closer than I ever thougt possible with my brother Austin

Forgiven like crazy...

Faced my deepest fears..

Realized that no matter how much I didn't want to admit it... I love the gospel and can't live without it.

Cried like I never have before

Smiled like I never have before

I'm sure there's more. The point is: I'm finally discovering who I am. And who I want to be.

No matter what anyone tells me... I'm beautiful, smart, hard working, loving, caring, passionate, stubborn, crazy, emotional, and a total mess most of the time. But ya know what? I wouldn't change one single thing about me. I love who I am. And if others don't... well then, they just don't know what they're missing out on :)

October 2009

November 2009

December 2009

January 2010

February 2010

March 2010

April 2010

May 2010

June 2010

July 2010

August 2010

September 2010

I LOVE MY LIFE

It's The Little Things

Alright, so a lot has happened since I last posted.

My mom got engaged :) Super happy for her.

Labor Day with my family was fun.

Since that weekend, I've learned SO much about myself.

I've discovered my faults, as well as my better qualities.

I've discovered those who I truly love, and how blessed I am.

My 5 major faults:

Complaining

Stubborness

Self-esteem

Worrying

Emotional

My 5 major better qualities:

Compassion

Believing

Trying my hardest

Not giving up

Passionate

I also found that you don't really understand, comprehend, appreciate, and possibly fully love something or someone until you've lost, or almost lost it, or them.

I don't know how I got so blessed...

I've realized, I don't need money, a nice house, nice things, or anything of that sort.

Love, and the gospel, is already more than I could ever want and appreciate.

From last night until forever, I am making 3 public promises to myself and anyone else who's willing to hear (or in this case read) them.

I promise I will always try my best to be positive in all things and aspects.

I promise I will always try my best to put others first.

I promise I will always try my best to love with all my heart.

I would never change anything about my past, who I've become, and where I'm going.

I love my life.

Alone

Everyone knows what it feels like to be alone at one point or another.

Whether they're physically alone, or just feel like they don't have anyone to talk to.

Have you ever had a dream?

Something you knew was going to happen no matter what?

No matter what anyone told you, you just knew they were wrong..

What happens when they become right?...

When everything you thought you knew got flipped upside down...

When friends, family, and love just seem like things...

And you feel that there's not one person you want to talk to.

Becauuse you don't even know how you're feeling yourself.

To have so much trust, care, love, and passion for someone or something..

And then in one second...everything can change.

Not knowing how to feel... feeling nothing.

Hoping to wake up the next morning realizing that moment was just a bad dream...

Or the last 3 months was just a dream...

or the last year...

or your whole life...

Sometimes I just don't get it.

But this is life right?

We're not supposed to get it.

At least I don't think we are.

Alone.

With everything going on...

I still feel it.

Today,

I don't know how I feel about life.

A Little Overdo...

Alright, so I've been putting this off for what seems like forever now.

I've gotten to the point that so much was happening that I thought

"This is going to take forever to blog"

And yet, here I am.

Ready to spend probably the next 2-3 hours telling you what has happened since I last blogged.

Here we go....

FAMILY WEEKEND

I left good ol' Rexburg on Thursday after I had rested from work.

Can I just say it's SO HARD having divorced parents...

When I go home I get pulled both ways so badly and being me, I like to please everyone.

Thursday night I went to my dad's first and visited for a bit.

Then I went to my mom's :)

Friday morning I woke up and got ready for my dad's sealing.

I didn't have to meet Austin until a bit later so I decided to stop at Cutler's and surprise Kira.

She freaked haha

It was awesome :)

Then I went to my dad's and bugged Austin until he was ready to go, considering I had been ready for literally HOURS.

We headed for the bountiful temple (stopped on the way for energy drinks of course)

We got to the temple and sat in the waiting room for a while.

The fam came out and we took a couple pics.

I hung with Maddi and chased Connor around.

Then we went to a restraunt in Kaysville.

I had been having this problem where I was NEVER hungry and had to force myself to eat.

Scary I know.

So when we got to the restraunt, naturally I wasn't hungry.

And Connor was being..... well Connor.

So I had a couple bites and went out with him in the foyer and played.

Best part of that?

I taught him to say "BYU sucks"

His dad Mike LOVES BYU and we're die hard Ute fans.

Needless to say when Connor ran up to Mike and said this... his dad was in shock.

Now I always ask: "Connor, do you like Utah or BYU?" his response is always

"BYU Sucks"

I also taught him to say "Goofball", and "Austin's a butt" :) I'm quite pleased with myself :)

That night Bre, Trever, Austin, and I went to Boondocks.

SO FUN!

Saturday I slept in until like 3pm.

Awesome.

Then mom and I went with Tracy to the skydiving place in Ogden.

Unfortunately stupid Utah weather permitted us from going skydiving :(

Oh well, we'll try again another time.

Instead we went out to dinner (again, like five bites of a salad)

and we went to a movie. "The Other Guys"

Super inappropriate. I wouldn't recommend it.

Sunday I slept in.

Kira came over and we talked for a bit.

I don't remember what I did after that.

I think I went over to my dad's for a bit.

Who knows

Monday I woke up early and headed to Raging Waters with the fam.

Fun but tiring.

My knee was killing me.

Connor was EVERYWHERE

Water was freezing

Austin and I got into an argument.

But it really was fun.

Then I got a pedicure with mom.

I came back to Rexburg Thursday morning.

I did a lot of laundry, cleaning, organizing, and spent time with the fam.

Since then I've just been workin my butt of here in Rexburg.

I work nights still as a CNA but I got another job as well.

I work at a place called "Upper Valley Options Developmental Disabilities Agency"

But for short we call it "Options"

It a place for those who are disabled to come and learn to do everyday things.

I love it there, but it doesn't pay much.

My life has been crazy

I love my life :)