A New Beginning... maybe

I made a big decisions tonight.
Some decisions that could change my life.
Decisions that have indeed made me cry tonight.

I'm going to shoot towards a mission
Because the only man who hasn't let me down is my Heavenly Father.
I think about all of the people who don't have the gospel.
How scary it must be to not know why you're here.
After everything Heavenly Father has given me,
and after all of the mistakes I've made...
I'd like to do all I can to share His message.

I have a weekly goal list I made earlier after I talked to someone.
And this is it:

• Read scriptures everyday
• Prayer everyday
• No crying
• Smile

They seem like four simple things right? So I shouldn't have a problem accomplishing it :)

My life has been twisted and almost a dream the last couple months. But I'm grateful for the lessons I've learned.

Like:No matter what others say to you, the only opinion that matters is your own.
If someone truly cares about you, they'll fight for your friendship and love... even in the hardest times.
Those who can't make ultimate decisions in their life when it comes to something as important as friendship, don't deserve your friendship in the first place.
Forgiveness is key. However, it doesn't have to come right away. You can take your time.
Your happiness is whats most important. It might mean climbing a horrible mountain, but at the top, you can look down and see what you've overcome.
Friends may come and go, but family is forever.

Well, guys and gals, thanks for reading :)

I LOVE MY LIFE

I've been thinking quite a bit these last couple of days...
About what it is I'm supposed to do with my life.
I keep thinking about a mission...
But it scares me so much..
It scares me because I feel so inadequate..

I was talking to my grandparents last week, and they told me it doesn't matter if I take missionary prep, or read "Preach My Gospel" cover to cover.
All that matters is that my heart is in the right place.
That I have a true testimony, and I'm going because it's what I desire to do.

But leaving for 18 months...
So much has happened in the last month..
My nephews and nieces will be growing up..
My friends could get married..

Sometimes I wish I wouldn't have ever had to grow up...
When I'm out in public seeing a young couple with a child it's like I feel so in between.
I think, man I wish I was still a kid, but then I look at the couple and wish I had that too.

I know I've said as long as I'm doing what I'm supposed to, Heavenly Father will bless me.
I guess I just lack the faith.

I guess life just goes on.
One thing is for sure though.
I know that I can get through this.
Whether by myself, or with others that love me.
I've learned life just throws things at you that can turn everything upside down.
I need to figure out how to deal with that kind of stuff.

So the question is:
To go on a mission, or not to go?...

Although crazy, messed up, scary, lonely, and sometimes misesrable,

I LOVE MY LIFE

blah.

I've protested with myself for the last couple weeks of whether or not to post some feelings...
However, I know it's good for me.

I tell myself everyday that if I just do what I'm supposed to, Heavenly Father will help me in whatever ways I need.
It's just hard to watch everyone around me so happy when I struggle to figure out who I am and what I want.

I'm already so independent.
I guess life just gets hard sometimes.
Maybe 2011 will be a better year...
I sure freakin hope so...
Maybe if I fall asleep long enough,
I'll wake up to realize this was all just the worst nightmare of all time,
and I'll be 5 again :)
Playing the memory game with my mom on the living room floor.
Or eating an icecream cone while watching Winnie the Pooh.
Or jumping on the trampoline just to have Austin tackle me because he's obbsessed with WCW wrestling...
My daddy's Brittany Spaniel dog Jake is running around in our big backyard..
Back to the days when I wanted grow up so badly...
How much I wish I could go back and tell myself
"Kid, your life is going to be far from easy. Enjoy this now. Don't fight with your siblings...cuz before you know it, none of them will want to speak to you or they'll resent you for the rest of your childhood because you're the youngest. Don't mind that your parents will be getting divorced. It's pretty normal. Don't worry about not fitting in, you were born to stand out, and don't you EVER let anyone tell you different. High school is going to be HELL. and that's an understatement. You're going to have enemies, friends, and heartbreak. And most boys probably won't tell you that you're special, or that you're a princess. But even if you have to look in the mirror every single day and tell yourself that you are... as long as YOU believe it, then it's true. And most importantly, you have to KNOW that even when you feel so alone, like there's nobody in the whole world who cares... your Heavenly Father will always be there."

I wish I would've known...

Sometimes.... life. just. hurts.