Thanksgiving

I don't have much time to write today but I'll do my best.

I came home for Thanksgiving on Monday and had a great time with my mom getting pedicures and dinner.
Monday night I talked to Austin for a while and hung out with my dad and Deb, then went to bed.

Tuesday I woke up at about 5:30 cuz once again, I couldn't sleep.
I grabbed some drinks from the gas station and took them over to KSG for Austin and my cousin Kadynn.
I saw Jessica Wilde there and we started talking about what has been going on in our lives for the last little while.
Then, Austin, Kadynn, Jessica, Ben Putnam, and I went to Costa Vida for some lunch.
I met my mom at her work and she introduced me to everyone, and that was fun.
Then I went to my dad's work and sat around for a while.
I stopped on my way home at Layton High School.
I went and talked to some of my old seminary teachers who immediately said
"Who's the lucky guy?! Let's see that rock!"
Well, this girl definitely doesn't have a rock on her finger...
That was really hard but it was nice to catch up with them and let them know what's been going on in my life.
That night I hung out with an old ex of mine.
Bad idea.
I forgot that it doesn't matter if it's been a year or not, guys don't change.
I don't remember the last time that I was that uncomfortable and felt so taken advantage of.
At about 9 pm I told him I needed some sleep and he needed to leave.
I also forgot that guys like this one, don't take no for an answer.
But I eventually got him out the door and I felt so disgusting.

If a girl doesn't want to hold hands or cuddle or kiss, freakin heck deal with it!

Some guys are so dumb and think it's okay to do those things just for fun!

It's not okay stupid boys! lol
Good thing we have prayer! It helped so much!

I was supposed to go on a date with this same guy on Wednesday night but I texted him Wednesday morning and let him know that he had made me feel uncomfortable and I wasn't interested in going out with him anymore.
He didn't take it too well.
But that's how life goes sometimes.
Wednesday Austin, my dad, and I went shopping at the mall.
I think I surprised my dad and brother when I didn't ask my dad to pay for anything and I gladly paid for everything myself.
I got a really cute shirt and nice sweater for the holidays.
When we got home I fell asleep on the floor and Austin woke me up and told me we were going bowling.
So my cousin Kadynn, Ben Putnam, Austin, and I went bowling.
It was weird because Ben asked why I was so emotionless...
Kadynn said it was like I wasn't sad or happy, I was just... there.
I didn't care if I got a strike or if I even got a gutterball.
I was just glad to be out doing something.
After bowling we went to Denny's and it was SO much fun!

I knew thursday (Thanksgiving) was going to be difficult for me...
Considering what I've gone through the last couple months I was NOT looking forward to this day.
Once again I couldn't sleep so I got up at about 5.
I sat around and watched tv with my sweet puppy Cocoa until about 8 when the man of the house (dad) told me to stop being lazy and do something.
This resulted in me looking at old yearbooks on my bed.
I looked at the nice things people wrote about me and wondered if they were all still true.
But I'm pretty sure they are :)
My mom called a while after and I couldn't hold back the tears any longer.
I've been really good about not crying for the last two weeks but yesterday I just couldn't do it.
She was very comforting and told me to just get through the day and tomorrow wouldn't be Thanksgiving anymore.
I got ready and went to my Aunt Mary's house.
I said hi to a few people and again, I got the whole "Why is she so emotionless" crap.
Oh well.
I ate what I could (Which was about two bites of everything) then went out to the living room with my cousin Donna.
Donna, Kelly, and Jessica are all sisters, and my favorite cousins :)
These three are the ones who I always go to for advice.
This time, I didn't go to them, they came to me lol
We talked about what had been going on in my life and what I'm doing to fix it.
All in all, it was a much needed and appreciated talk. :)

Austin and I left to go my mom's house when Austin and I got into a pretty bad argument.
My only thoughts during this was "I wouldn't even be in this argument right now if I wasn't in Utah..."
I debated whether or not to even come home for Thanksgiving. I wanted to stay in Idaho to work and keep my mind off things.
And a while ago I didn't think I'd be in Utah or Idaho... but that's something I refuse to talk about with anyone.
Of course fighting with my brother not only brought tears, but a complete meltdown.
I knew this would happen, I just didn't know when.
We got to my moms and I went upstairs to the bathroom and just sobbed...
you know the kind where you feel like you can't breathe? lol Yeah it was like that.
Then my sweet brother Trever came to my rescue and talked to me.
I told him all I wanted to do was go back to Idaho and work.
I didn't want to be here or anywhere else.
He convinced me that wasn't true and that he was glad I came.
I went downstairs and mingled with my siblings but mostly stayed pretty quiet.
There was more eating of pie going on then talking :)
I fell asleep on my moms couch and woke up to her telling me to get into bed.
I woke up this morning a little confused...
It was no longer Thanksgiving...
I had spent the night at my moms unintentionally...
and my mom wasn't home because she was on a plane on her way to Cancuun...

So I'm sitting at my moms house, on her computer (I didn't bring any electronics with me besides my cell phone), waiting for dear ol' dad to come pick me up.

Tonight I get to watch my nephews and that always is super fun :)
I'm glad Thanksgiving is over too :)
If we could just erase that day, my break so far has been wonderful :)
Minus the hanging out with the ex also.. haha

Not having my facebook has been such a good thing as well.
I had my friend Jessica change my password for me so I could focus on more important things... I was starting to get a little addicted to it.
It's actually kinda nice not knowing what everyone is doing haha

For today's song,
I was looking at youtube and I don't really know how I feel about this song but I LOVED the piano in it! So here it is :)

I LOVE MY LIFE :)

Lately

Just got home from work.
And let me just say, I have such GREAT friends!
It's like the freakin North Pole here!
It snowed sooo much!
I woke up at 4:30pm yesterday to get ready to leave for work at 5,
when I had a text from my friend Kris asking if I'd like to take his truck to work so I could get to work better in the snow.
Sweet huh!
Well, instead of driving myself
Kris drove me all the way to Idaho Falls to go to work!
And yes, he woke up at 5 am to pick me up by 6 :)
There needs to be more sweet guys like him in this world!!

So... here's the highlight of my night.
I'm in this room with a resident named Mary.
We're by her door and I say
"Mary, mary quite contrary.
How does your garden grow?
With silver bells
and.......
..............
taco.... shells....."
Random CNA walking by:
"Now that's my kinda garden! I love tacos!"
Mary:
Tacos?...
Me:
Yes Mary.
Tacos.
Mary:
But... tacos don't grow in gardens...
Me:
Oh but they do Mary....
They do....
Mary:
Okay :)
Freakin hilarious!!
Poor Mary is probably super confused now though! haha

Lately I've been lookin at videos on youtube and looking at songs to kinda find my mood for the day.
I started doing this three days ago.
So I have four songs.
Yes.
Four.
If you wanna know how I've been feeling...
Just listen/watch these songs :)
And...
I may or may not be obsessed with Kate Voegele
Just sayin... :)

Saturday's Song:

Yesterday's Song:

Today's Song:

I'm SO excited to go home!!!

I have a date Wednesday night...

Thanksgiving Thursday night...

and get to babysit my nephews on Friday night!!!!

YAY!!!

I LOVE MY LIFE!!!

I have acomplished another day :)

Missing You

I have come to the conclusion that I no longer sleep at night.
Even if I'm absolutely exhausted.
And the worst part is,
There's always one certain thing that I think of at night.
Especially when I can't sleep.

I've always admired Taylor Swift for writing songs about what she's going through.
I've thought about doing just that.
However, I don't know the kind of reaction I would get.
Or even worse, if I would get a reaction at all.

People come and go in our lives every single day.
Some, we don't even realize they've left.
Some, we notice and it hurts a little but we get over it quickly.
But then there's others that time has to help us get over them leaving.
The problem is, what if we didn't want them to leave or would do anything just for a phone call to know how they're doing?

It always hurts when somebody you care about ignores you.
Or wants nothing to do with you anymore.
I remember my senior year of high school wondering if I would ever get over a certain person walking out of my life forever.
Yes, I did get over it.
But after a lot of tears, pain, and prayer.
2 1/2 years later I realized I was okay again.
Yes, it took me that long.

I keep trying to put my mind on other things.
Like how excited I am for Thanksgiving to go home...
Although I originally had much different plans for Thanksgiving... I'm trying to stay optimistic.
What in the world is wrong with me?
Why can't I just let go?!
It cannot be this hard.
It shouldn't be this hard!
But all I can think about to help me is time, time, time.
But when you go to bed at midnight.. and can't sleep so you get up at 5 or 6..
That's a lot of TIME to sit and think.. and wonder...

I wish Heavenly Father let us look at the map of our lives whenever we were confused.
So I can look at it and say "Oh, okay! That's what I'm supposed to do next! Got it!"
But unfortunately, it doesn't happen that way.

This post might seem a little depressing and down.
But whoever is reading this, I want you to know
I AM HAPPY
I know that I'm going to do great things in my life.
But it's okay to miss people.
It's okay to hurt sometimes.
It's okay to pick up the phone and dial a number and then never push 'send'
It's okay.
Everything is okay.

One day at a time Ali... one day at a time...
And those days will turn into weeks.
Weeks will turn into months...
and months will turn into years...

Who knows what will happen in the future.
All I know is that I need to be happy for me.
No matter how much someone means to me.
No matter how much I don't mean anything to them.
It just makes me want to love that much more.
I want to be even more passionate towards others.
Because I know what heartache is like.
And I would NEVER want ANYONE to go through it.

I can do this.
And whoever believes that I can't,
YOU'RE WRONG.

I'm gonna keep my chin up.
I'm gonna smile.
And yes, I'm gonna miss and think about people.
But I need to start realizing that they don't miss me or think about me.

I love my life.
And will continue to live it happily.
I have accomplished another day.

This is my story...

Some people reading this know me better than I probably know myself.
However, I can't sleep.
And most people don't know my story.
Ya know, how I got to where I am today.
I'll try to keep it short... :)

I remember very few things from my childhood.
Good thing mom took lots of pictures.
I do know I was a brat.
A cute brat nonetheless :)
I was a daddy's girl (And still am)
I fought with my brother Austin to the point that my mom probably wanted to give us up for adoption on a weekly basis lol
I was extremely outgoing, sassy, and would question everything.
I was a cry baby, and usually got my way.
I had lots of friends and life was bliss.
I remember car rides with my dad..
stopping at the gas station to get a treat of course :)
Twirling in the foyer of the church, waiting for my dad to get out of church meetings on sundays.
Playing games with my mom..
Jumping on the trampoline with Austin.
Playing video games.
Laying on the stairs..
Climbing the monkey bars.
My dad's dog Jake..
Thinking my sister (Mialisa) had the coolest room ever.
Wishing I could play with my older siblings.
Always wanting to grow up faster...

When I was 9 my dad brought home a TeaCup Poodle.
Just for me.
I named him Cocoa.
This dog has been through everything with me.
Words cannot describe how much I love him.

When I was 11 my parents got divorced..
I still have a hard time with this.
It was at this point that I started becoming inactive with the church.

I started Junior High and told myself I was going to be outgoing and have lots of friends.
I did just that.
I had tons of friends, and I even made the ultimate choir when I was a 7th grader going into 8th.
It was my 8th grade year that I got my first boyfriend and first kiss.
I wanted so much to be like my older siblings.
Of course I was hard on myself and didn't think an A- was acceptable.
It was at this time in my life that depression became an everyday battle.
It was also the time that I had no contact with my mom... Even though she called me every single day.. That is one time in my life that I wish I would have kept her close.
9th grade was a lot of fun.
However, I didn't have as many friends and felt like the outsider.
But I kept my chin up and tried my best.

High School started and I was so excited that I had made one of the choir groups called Lace.
It's extremely hard for a 9th grader going into high school to make it, so I felt very blessed.
High School was nothing what I thought it would be.
I started early at getting into trouble.
My sophmore year was honestly the worst year I can think of.
I had friends but I was inactive, and things just didn't seem to go right.
I had my first serious boyfriend and that heartbreak took a long time to heal.

Junior year, I made a tough schedule for myself so I couldn't concentrate on all of the drama.
But of course is was still there.
I started going to church again and really loved it.
I had made the ultimate choir group called Laytones, and spent so much time concerned with one boy that I didn't get to enjoy it as much as I should have.

Senior year was really tough on me.
I had friends, and fun classes.
However, my dad got remarried. (I was no longer the only princess in his life)
I decided not to do choir again.
And most of my friends were in the drama program.
So I kinda did my own thing.

I didn't get asked to many dances like my friends.
I didn't participate as much as my friends.

I went through A LOT of guys during high school.
For whatever reason, I honestly don't know.

If I could go back and do high school again, I would do it in a heartbeat.
Because there are so many things I would change.

I thought college would be different.
WRONG.

I decided to go to Utah State University.
My dad went there and I wanted to make him proud.
All I did was waste a lot of money, lots of heart break, and learned a lot of lessons.
I would never go back there in a million years.

I decided to come to BYU-Idaho in hopes of a good change.
My first semester here was challenging but I loved it.
My second semester here was extremely challenging, but I loved it.

Now I'm here working my butt off with two jobs.
Trying to figure out who I am and where I belong.

College vs. high school
Get good grades for a future career-get good grades for a future college
Date to get married-date to have fun
Make life long friends-make friends who you'll probably never see again.
Heartache due to thinking you were gonna marry the guy-hearthache due to you no longer have a date to the dance.
Stay close to family cuz it's all you got-stay close to family cuz they control your curfew
You'd give anything to go back home-you'd give anything to get away from home
Complain about the lack of money- complain about the lack of your favorite food your mom didn't get at the store.
Deciding what to do about your lonliness-deciding which party to hit up.

These are just a couple I could think of.
Growing up, I thought I would be just like my mom and sister.
Go to highschool, get married, do some college, have kids, start a family, happily ever after.
Instead it's been: Go to highschool, go to college, work my butt off, go through heartbreak, work my butt off some more...Who knows what will happen next.

I am however grateful for what has happened in my life.
With Thanksgiving coming up I've realized what I truly am thankful for.
And I know sometimes we don't understand why certain things happen.
I know it's okay to miss people.
It's okay to be confused.
It's okay to do our best and then fail.
Because there's a lesson behind it all.
It's the getting to the end of the tunnel that's the hard part.

But while I'm getting to the end of the tunnel, I'm going to enjoy the train ride :)

I love my life.
It's so hard to figure things out...
But when I finally do get things figured out...
I'll let you know :)

confusing times

If someone would have come up to me the day I turned 16 and said:
"In 4 years, you'll be at BYU-Idaho, and more things than you can ever imagine will have happened to you",
I probably wouldn't have believed them.

I'm so grateful for my roommates.
Life is never easy for anyone.
I've had a great last couple days.
But sometimes things can get so confusing.

I'm so glad that tonight as I was marching out the door to drive to wherever my car took me, with tears rolling down my cheeks, Megan my roommate said three simple words.
"Alicia, come here."
Followed by a very appreciated hug from her and Kristina.
I let everything out.
My secrets, my fears, everything.
And they just sat there and listened, hugged me, and continued to listen.

Heavenly Father puts angels in our lives all the time without us even recognizing it.
These two girls tonight are definitely in my life for a reason.
I'm so grateful that I live with them and I no longer feel the way I did earlier tonight.

Like I said, my life has been confusing lately.
Dating, family, work, emotions, friends, decision, everything.
I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and there's a lesson to be learned.
But you know those times when you're in the trial and you're just praying that it all be over soon?
That's where I'm at.
I remember in high school, that was pretty much all I ever did.
I prayed that I could get through the next day.
And now that I look back at highschool, I think wow.
I got through all of that?
Look at all of those lessons and how much stronger I am!
It's when you're in the trial that it feels like time can't go any slower.

I've been told it takes 21 days to break or make a habit.
The problem is, I'm not trying to break or make a habit.
I just want my life to move on without the painful feelings.
Will 21 days make them go away?
How many weeks will it take?
How many months?
I've also been told to just take things a day at a time.
What to do... what to do...
I sure don't know.
I usually don't.

As hard as it is right now...
i love my life

No Sleep

It's 8:25 am.

No big deal right?

Except for the fact that I got off work at 6am..

and now I can't sleep.

I wish I could say not sleeping is uncommon for me.

But it's not.

Work went pretty well this weekend.

Weekends seem to fly by for me since i'm up all night at work and sleep during the day.

This past week, Sunday was my favorite day by far.

I got to bear my testimony, feel the spirit so strong, get a temple recommend, and because I was in such a good mood, work went really well.

There's nothing like having a resident tell you how sweet you are and how much they appreciate you :)

Amazingly enough, some of my friends are coming back into my life.

It's been nice catching up with them, and I'm hoping to see them soon.

I'm really excited to go home for Thanksgiving.

Usually I HATE major holidays.

Parents being divorced never gets easier...

And I've always had a hard time being the odd person out without a "significant other".

Well, thankfully, my brother Austin isn't dating anyone! So we get to be loners together!

Haha, I'm selfish lol

As much as I would like a significant other for the holidays, I'm looking forward to spending it with my family. This might be the last holidays I get to spend with them for two years!

Crazy!!

I'm really homesick and miss... everything... but I really miss my puppy Cocoa and my nephews and nieces.

Well, that's my life lately.

Taking things a day at a time and trying to enjoy every second :)

I LOVE MY LIFE

Mysteries Unsolved..

*insert huge sigh of relief here*

My life lately has been the biggest blessing in disguise.
And I'm so grateful for it.

I'm the kind of girl that distances herself when life starts getting a little bumpy.
I've lost some great friends in the last month for so many different reasons.
And I honestly hope that one day they'll come back into my life eventually.

This last week has been so confusing.
I've been filled with heartbreak, comfort, anger, love, and pretty much any other emotion you can think of.
I've been wondering why I let myself get into a certain situation.
And then it hit me while I was sitting in the temple parking lot tonight.
I learned another lesson.

I've sat here and wondered why all of my friends an classmates are getting married.
A while ago, I actually thought I was going to be one of them soon.
I wondered why Heavenly Father would let those thughts come into my head and let me feel those feeings so strong.
Here's where the lesson comes in:
I had those thoughts and feelings so that when they were suddenly broken off...
I would realize what I DON'T and DO want in a future husband.
And I've been thinking about a mission...
If I would've gotten married... how could I KNOW that a mission is 100% right for me and KNOW that it's what I want and what I'm supposed to do? :)

Yep, that's right.
Although I'm scared, I'm so grateful that I've had my heart broken to realize that I'm not supposed to give my heart to anybody else but Heavenly Father.

Of course I miss the benefits of being in a relationship but I know when someone isn't treating me the way I deserve. And I also know from experience that I need to follow the spirit.

My life is changing :)
In so many GOOD ways!
I'm so excited for school to start!
I get to be social and learn and Lisa will be back!!

I can't wait for my life to be flipped upside down with happiness and goodness :)
And I'm even happier that it started today :)

I LOVE MY LIFE!