This post is going to be a little more personal than most of my others.
I know I haven't written in like over a month but after tonight I knew I had to document something.
Tonight I went to dinner with my brother and our friend Camille. As we were talking and laughing an all too familiar face appeared and then sat next to me. I was in complete shock as an ex boyfriend whom I dated for almost 3 years, was my first true love, and now a married man looked at me. But I couldn't look back at him. I honestly didn't know what to think. He wasn't there to eat with us, he actually was working at the restaurant we went to.
My brother asked him how marriage was, how he was doing, etc. but I honestly had a hard time really focusing on the conversation. All I could think about was how long it had been since this amazing young man had even looked at me, let alone talked to me, or sat next to me. It was hard... he smelt the exact same, looked the exact same, talked the exact same, and even his hand gestures while he was talking were the same. The only difference was the ring on his left hand.
I stumbled over my words as he turned to me and asked what I was going into for a profession. I only looked at him once. I didn't realize until after that I was looking down most of the time while talking to him. He soon said it was nice to see all of us, got up, and went back to work.
As we drove Camille home, I was trying to identify how I was feeling about the whole situation. I wasn't angry or sad. I wasn't jealous or upset. I actually felt peace and contentment. Seeing the ring on his left hand didn't make me sad or jealous that I didn't have one on my left hand. But I always thought it would. Knowing that he was going home to a gorgeous, sweet, loving wife while I came home to my parents house alone in my bed didn't hurt.... it made me happy for him... seeing him, talking with him, and sitting next to him didn't make me want to be with him again... and this was far from what I expected. I always thought that if I ever did see or talk to him again, it would be awkward and we'd avoid each other.
From this experience tonight, I've realized how truly blessed I am. How much Heavenly Father loves and knows me more than I can comprehend. And how truly grateful I am for unanswered prayers. I remember dating this young man and literally pleading with Heavenly Father to let things work out because I loved this young man so much and didn't want either of us to go through heartache. I remember during the awful breakup pleading with Heavenly Father to please take the pain away even if it was just for a couple seconds. I'm so grateful that those prayers weren't answered.
It's amazing to me how well Heavenly Father knows me. I think the reason I feel so at peace is because although the young man I saw tonight is an amazing guy, he wasn't the one for me. I've had quite a few ex's get married or engaged in the last little while (one got married today actually) and some of these young men I've prayed to Heavenly Father asking to please keep them in my life because of my feelings for them. I'm so grateful that although they are amazing young men, that they've found others to be happy with.
One unanswered prayer that I think I appreciate the most is whenever I've had a breakup, or my heart is just aching so much, when I plead with Heavenly Father to take the pain away and He doesn't. Of course we have our Savior, Jesus Christ who knows exactly what we're going through and that has always helped. But I've definitely had to learn how to be patient. Back in high school, and even a couple guys in college have taken me years to get over. And it's not because Heavenly Father wanted me to be in pain. It's because I needed to learn something. And I've learned a lot.
I'm grateful for where I'm at today. No I don't have a boyfriend/fiance/husband. But ya know what? I'm happy. No, seriously. I really am happy. It brings a smile to my face to look back at all those times of complete misery and realize how much happier I am now that those prayers were unanswered. Guess the big guy upstairs really knows what he's doin eh? :)
Now to the normal stuff:
Living at home for the 7 week break has been good and bad. I've enjoyed spending time with family and I'm working at a warehouse called KSG. I'm getting nervous for school to start back up again but I think it'll be good for me :) I've had fun hanging out with Kira and my other friends. Jessica got married on Tuesday and that was definitely a fun day for me! Tinesha got married yesterday and that was fun to see her too! :)
I sure didn't write a lot with the everyday, normal things going on in my life but hey, there's really not much going on! :)
Sometimes we don't understand why we're going through something. But tonight was a big reminder that everything happens for a reason and I just need to have faith in God's plan for me. Because He knows me better than anyone or anything else. And I really really need Him and His beautiful gospel in my life.
