As the year of 2013 is coming to an end, I’ve had time to
reflect upon this past year. I can honestly say that this year has been one of
the most challenging, most heart breaking, and most discouraging years of my
life. I’m grateful for new beginnings, and to have the new year of 2014 approaching.
I was reading in my journal the other night and couldn’t
help but cry as I read the entries from May to August. How I got through those
3 months, I have no idea. I’m just glad they’re over. I remember praying almost
non-stop during that time but still feeling so heart broken, lonely, and
confused.
Tonight I’ve been thinking about what I want to be different
for 2014. I’ve thought about what I need to change, and what I need to let go.
Lately I’ve tried so hard to put people back in my life that chose to no longer
be in it earlier this year. Although I did everything I could to accept them
not wanting to be a part of my life anymore, I’ve felt lately that I should let
them know how much I still care about them. But as I’ve tried to rekindle
friendships, only to feel even more rejected than I did before, I realize that
I need to put more trust in Heavenly Father and let things work out on their
own.
I’ve made the decision to move back home to Utah next week. This
has been one of the hardest, most heart breaking decisions I’ve ever made. I
love BYU-Idaho, I love the environment, and I love the people here. But as I’ve
prayed, I know that moving home is what I’m supposed to do right now. And I’m
completely terrified.
I don’t want to leave Idaho.
I don’t want to lose the
people I’ve become close with here. But as I was talking with my roommates the
other night, I was reminded that when we start to doubt an answer we’ve gotten,
we must reflect and remember how we felt when our prayer was answered.
I still remember the night my prayer was answered about
going home. It was about 2 or 3 in the morning and I had been up crying, so
confused about what to do with my life, feeling so discouraged and lost. As I
finished my prayer, I had an overwhelming peace come over me that I was
supposed to return home to Utah. I called my dad right after (and yes I woke
him up by calling), and explained to him my situation. The love and support I
felt from him was very welcomed and I was able to dry my eyes and get some
sleep that night.
On nights like tonight when I want something so badly, I
have to remember Heavenly Father’s plan for me. I need to remember answers to
prayers that I’ve received and follow through with those answers.
I’m nervous for 2014. Because I don’t want it to be anything
like 2013. I’m putting my entire heart into the hands of Heavenly Father and
following everything He needs and wants me to do. I don’t completely know or
understand why I’m supposed to go home. I don’t understand why I had to go through
such awful heartbreak this year. I don’t understand why so many people I’ve
loved so much walked out of my life and gave up. But I do understand that
Heavenly Father loves me. I understand that I’m given trials to help me learn,
grow, and gain experience. I understand that Heavenly Father has a plan for me
and that if I do everything in my power to be a good person and follow His
commandments that I will be eternally happy.
I watched this video tonight and it really gave me comfort.
Maybe you’ll enjoy it too.
I definitely don't want this to be a sad post. So to lighten things up a bit, I decided to write one good thing that happened for each month of 2013.
January: My best friend Kira had her sweet baby boy Will Michael Pace!! I absolutely love her and this little boy!! I don't know what I'd do without them in my life!! Kira has seen me at my absolute worst and yet she's always stuck around. She knows everything about me and continues to encourage and support me! She's an AMAZING mommy to Will and I'm so glad she's let me be a part of her life!!
February: Got to play with the newest member of our family! Our puppy Sugar! This dog can be SO annoying but she gives me such comfort when I'm sad and cuddles with me when I need a friend! I love playing with her and I love how excited she gets when I come home!
March: Was able to serve others and meet new people!
April: Got to spend a week at home with my family!
May: One of the most influential people in my life, Camille Jasperson, gave her farewell talk for her mission! I miss her like crazy but she's doing AMAZING teaching the people about The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in Taiwan! Camille is such a great example of an all around great person and Heavenly Father knew I needed her in my life!
June: One of my best friends Brittany Anderson and I went to Idaho Falls on a Saturday and got to hold these adorable puppies!! Chick-fil-A was also included of course! Brittany got me through Spring semester. I don't know what I would've done without her!! She's truly one of my best friends and I don't know how I got so lucky to have her in my life!!
July: I got my Associate's Degree!!! And my wonderful grandparents and cousin ShirLynn came to support me!!! I'm so grateful for such amazing, supportive, and selfless family members! I can't thank my grandparents enough for all they do for me and ShirLynn has always been there for me whenever I've needed her! She gives the greatest advice and always reminds me to have fun in life!!
August: Went boating with my sister and nephews!! I can't even begin to explain how much comfort and happiness my sister and these little boys give me!! I love them so much and am so grateful to have been blessed with them!
September: Started a new semester at BYU-Idaho! I was called to be the Ward Pianist for my church calling and I have LOVED it!! I'm also part of an AMAZING Relief Society, and one of the best wards I've ever been in!! The bishopric is crazy awesome too!! I'm so blessed!!
October: My birthday!!! Not only did my mom send me a present in the mail but my awesome roommates, friends, and FHE brothers met at Applebee's for dinner! Then one of my roommates made me a cake and we had it at my apartment after! I was so touched by all the love I felt that day from Facebook messages, to phone calls, to text messages, to people stopping by my apartment, and those celebrating with me!!
November: Adventures with 3 of my roommates!! I say 3 of them because two of them (Alison and Kendra) are missing in this pic!! Ali and K-dawg are both engaged and spent most of their weekends with their sweethearts! So the four of us single ladies spent a lot of time together! It would literally take me hours to write about each individual roommate and how much I love and appreciate them!! I was SO BLESSED this semester with the amazing girls I live with!! I seriously consider them sisters and can't say enough positive things about them!
December: More roommate adventures!! Including all of us though!! We had Kendra's bridal shower, and did a roommate dinner and gift exchange!! I'm going to miss these girls SO much!!!
I’m so grateful for the people that have come into my life
during 2013 and those that continued to be a part of my life from years
previous. If I were to make a list of all the people who I sincerely appreciate
for how they’ve influenced me, I’m certain the list would be in the high
hundreds. So many have made me smile, made me happy, and have truly been a
blessing. I’m grateful for years of trial so I can appreciate the years of
happiness. If there’s one thing I’ve noticed, in times of trial and adversity,
there’s always a blessing to also be found. I love the gospel. I love my life.
And I love the people in my life.
