June 14, 2012

It's honestly amazing to me how the gospel has impacted my life so far this week.

I've never been so happy and content in my entire life.

The first experience: 

On Monday morning I woke up early to study for my botany test.

As I grabbed my flash cards I thought to myself, ya know... maybe I should read my scriptures for a little bit...

So I did just that.

I read and underlined principles that stuck out to me. And then I prayed that I'd be able to understand and remember what I was studying. 

Later that day I took my botany test. 

For those of you who don't know me, I'm an awful test taker. Even if I feel I know most of the concepts, for whatever reason I always just seem to psych myself out and get really bad anxiety.

As I sat down and was taking my test I found myself thinking "Alicia, you think you know these answers. You think you're doing so well, but you're going to look at your score and it's going to be awful. You're just going to fail." With this, I started getting really discouraged. 

But then I thought, "Alicia, are you going to let Satan get you down? You read your scriptures, you prayed, you studied your hardest, and Heavenly Father can only bless you if you have faith". 

So I finished my test and I got an 89% :)

When I got home, I prayed and thanked my Heavenly Father :)

The second experience:

I walked into my roommates room and saw she had a small book upon her shelf called "Forget Me Not" by President Uchtdorf. I had read this talk many times and remember the first time reading the talk absolutely loving it. So I read the talk again, only in book form with pictures.

Then I read another talk by President Uchtdorf that had been converted into book form called "Your Happily Ever After". 

These two books really made me think. And not just a little. They made me realize how much Heavenly Father loves me. These two books are going to be my next purchases. And even though I could be doing better financially right now, these are two books that I not only want but NEED in my life.

The first time I read this talk (Forget Me Not), I knew that on my future wedding day, I wanted the "forget me not" flower to be my wedding flower. That's only how much the book meant to me. And I cherish it with all my heart. 

To go along with this, I ran into one of my best childhood friends and her fiance on campus today. Jessica Wilde and I have known each other since the first day of 7th grade. I asked her how wedding plans were going and such. I asked her what she was doing for flowers and her response was "baby's breath and forget me nots". I couldn't help but smile about this. Jessica has always been so strong in the gospel. We've definitely had our ups and downs in our friendship but she and her family have so many Christ-like attributes. Although I've always wanted the "forget-me-not" to be my future wedding flower (and it very well might still could be), I couldn't think of a better person to incorporate such a meaningful flower into her special day. It fits her and her attitude of life so well. And I'm truly proud to say that I look up to her and am so happy for her :)

Jessica and I our senior year

(I tried to find pics of us from when we were in 7th grade but I don't have any on my laptop!)

Jessica and I with her parents at seminary graduation!

Such great examples!!!

 The third experience:

I've made it a goal to thank others for the things that they do. I've written a couple thank-you notes to girls in our ward who I feel have gone out of their way to include me and have been so friendly. And then I thought about someone who is one of the most important men in my life. My dad. I thought about all of the things he's done for me. I am so blessed that Heavenly Father chose him to be my dad. So I sent him a text thanking him. And at this point, I couldn't help but pray to Heavenly Father again thanking Him.

The fourth experience:

I woke up this morning from horrible nightmares. And I mean, the kind where I woke up sweating, trying to catch my breath, almost in tears, and scared out of my mind. After I calmed down, I said a prayer asking for the bad feelings inside of me to go away so I could feel at peace and start my day. It took a couple minutes, but I was able to feel okay again.

The fifth experience:

This might seem a little silly to some but this is an experience I know I will never forget. I'll also be admitting to things that I'm not at all proud of. I think most of us try out best to be honest with ourselves and others. However, when it comes to school work, I haven't always been this way. Sometimes I think to myself, oh I'll just say I forgot my homework (even though I never even looked at it) and ask the professor if I can turn it in next time. Or some days I just flat out don't want to go to class. So I'll e-mail the teacher saying I don't feel well or had a family emergency and won't be in class. Let me just tell you right now, I've ALWAYS known that this was wrong. But I just never thought it was so wrong to make a big deal out of it. This changed today.

I woke up late. And had an assignment for my library research skills class due. Part of the assignment was to listen to 2 different assigned LDS conference talks, and then to do some research to look for the other answers of questions that were listed about copyright. The whole point of the assignment was how to be honest when it comes to copyrighted material, how to cite sources, and how to know when you're stealing. 

I researched as quickly as I could to fill in the answers. And then by the talks there was a sentence that looked like this "Did you read or listen to the following talk? YES/NO" And right next to this question for both talks, I circled YES. As I did this, I thought "I'll just read or listen to them when I get home today." But then I thought, well if I do my makeup in my room I'll have time to listen to one and still be on time for class. So as I did my makeup, I listened intently to the first talk. The talk talked about honesty and more importantly integrity. This made me think of all the previous things I've ever lied about and I started to feel awful. And here I had just said I had completed an assignment that talked about honesty when I still had another talk to listen to or read.

Well, I decided that I needed another talk on honesty. So as I finished getting ready for the day, I listened to the second talk. And boy did I need it! After this, I said a prayer to my Heavenly Father asking for His forgiveness for lying and not being honest. I felt so much better about turning in my assignment knowing that I honestly did all of the work.

Because I did all of my assignment, I was 30 minutes late to class. Yes, I walked in late. But after class, I walked up to Brother Neilsen (my professor) and apologized to him for being late, let him know that I've been taught better than that, and that walking in late was very disrespectful and that it wouldn't happen again. 

This was such a humbling experience, and I'm so glad I was able to have it happen to me today.

Here's the links to the talks if you'd like to read/watch/listen to them:

http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2001/04/focus-and-priorities?lang=eng 

 http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2006/10/three-towels-and-a-25-cent-newspaper?lang=eng

 The fifth experience:

There's a wonderful girl in my ward named Lauren Chamberlain. We were visiting teaching companions last semester and she lives just down the hall from me. She has always been such a great example to me, and she truly loves to gospel. Well, today she got her mission call. 

For those of you who know me well, I've always desired to go on a mission. It honestly is one of the biggest desires I've ever had so far in my life.

Lauren came over and asked me to be a part of her opening her call.
She was called to the Budapest, Hungary mission! She leaves on October 31 to the Provo MTC and will be speaking Hungarian.

And this experience helped me figure something out in my life that I thought I already knew. I want, more than anything else in the entire world, to serve a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. It's ridiculous how badly I want it. I don't know if I'll be able to go. But I'm working harder than I've ever worked in my entire life to do my absolute best to make it happen. 

Isn't it so amazing how Heavenly Father puts people in our lives to help us realize things? It's all part of His plan for each of us individually :) I didn't know if I was going to come back to school here at BYU-Idaho when it started up again. But I felt like I needed to. Then I decided to live at the Ivy apartments. Then I was in Lauren's ward. Then I was Lauren's visiting teaching companion. And because of her wonderful example, I know now, more than every that I want to serve a mission. 

Crazy huh?

Last fall, I didn't even know her. And now, she's touched my life more than I think she'll ever know. 

Thank you, Lauren.

I'm sure I'll have more amazing experiences the rest of this week. I'm excited to go home tomorrow and spend time with my family :) 

I've learned that happiness is a choice and attitude. And I've learned that the gospel of Jesus Christ is what truly makes me happy. I just can't help but smile and feel so blessed. 

I LOVE MY LIFE

June 10, 2012

I really have absolutely no idea what to say in this post tonight.

A lot has happened in the past two weeks.

We had some major roommate drama at my apartment, which caused me last weekend to go home to get away from everything. Can I just say how much I love my family? It took everything I had to not just throw my hands up in the air and say "forget about Rexburg! I'm staying right here!" But after staying with my dad, visiting Kira, visiting mom and Tracy, visiting my old night shift coworkers at Washington Terrace Care and Rehab, driving at 3am and making it to Blackfoot, parking behind a hotel, locking my doors, sleeping in my car until 5am, and making it to Rexburg at 6 am, I was ready to take on the new week. 

So I did just that. Went to class, worked things out with  my roommates, had fun with friends, etc. However, the week was kind of a blur. I've noticed I've been sleeping a lot lately. And I honestly think it's how I cope with my stress and emotions. I'm not exactly sure why though.

Monday I started my two online classes and my one other class on campus for a total of 6 classes. I didn't think the online classes would be too difficult because well, they're online. But I kind of forgot that the classes I picked up starting on Monday are called "block classes". Meaning that I'm taking them the second half of the semester. So I have to do the exact same amount of work that I would do in a full semester, in half a semester. This lead to a lot of stress this week and almost a breakdown. 

I had a really fun weekend. I went on a date with one of my FHE brothers on Friday night, and we spent time together again last night. He's really nice and I hope our friendship continues. But that's my problem. Friendship. I just don't understand myself. It's like I want a relationship with someone but then when I go on dates I kinda freak out. But then I realize I start liking a guy and get really excited. Then the guy tells me he's not interested, doesn't have time, just got out of a relationship, etc. and I'm hurt for a good 10-20 minutes, and then I justify it by telling myself it's okay because I love being alone and am not ready to date. I just when the right one does come along, it'll all just fall into place. At least, let's hope so. And to be 100% honest, I would be okay if it didn't happen for another year or so. I feel like I still have so much more growing to do on my own.

Saturday morning I met my mom and Tracy at grandpa's house in Idaho Falls. Originally we were going to do yard work with a bunch of friends that I had invited but the weather didn't look very promising so mom cancelled that. Instead we visited with grandpa for a while, and went to lunch at Smitty's. I LOVE Smitty's! But I'll only go there with family... it's kind of a tradition. Then we went back to grandpa's house where uncle Steve was doing some work and had a 6 month old black lab in the back of his truck. I cannot explain how excited I was to play with his puppy! But unfortunately the puppy didn't want to play :( He kept growling and barking at me and wouldn't come near me. But uncle Steve said it's cuz he's still learning what kind of people to be around, how to act, etc.

So we visited with grandpa a little more then came back to Rexburg. I showed mom and Tracy my apartment and we went on a little adventure to the new apartment that I'll be staying at in the Fall.

I got into a program called Fast Grad meaning I'll be taking three 15 credit semesters a year instead of 2. I start in the Fall and I'm EXTREMELY nervous!!! The 15 credits I'm taking aren't easy classes.... In fact, for this upcoming Fall semester the classes I'm taking are Chemistry, Neurobiology, Health Communications, Health and Fitness, and Teachings of Prophets. And then Winter and Spring semester of next year are all biology courses. I really hope that I can do it. 

I'll be living with a nice girl I went to high school with named Camille Jasperson. I'm really nervous about this too because it's a new apartment, new roommates, and I'll be sharing a room instead of having a private room. But oh well. Change is good.... right?

Today I went to church, took a nap, read my scriptures, hung out with my roommates and girls from across the hall, and took a cookie cake to two of our FHE brothers who had birthdays this past week. I was feeling really down about the guy that I kind of have been liking who doesn't like me back so I decided to read a couple chapters in "Miracle of Forgiveness" while walking on the treadmill in the Ivy gym. This actually helped a lot but then it got me thinking about past decisions I've made and the repentance that I'm continually going through. I thought the work out and reading would help but in the end, it lead to the breakdown that I knew was going to come eventually all week long.

My sweet roommate Jacqi made dinner and while we were eating my mom called and asked if I was okay. I knew that if she was able to see me face to face she'd definitely know I wasn't okay. But I did my best to hide it in my voice and told her everything was fine. Then she asked me about a facebook post I made a couple days ago that said "Sometimes I just miss you". She asked who it was about and I said the person it was about and who has been on my mind for two years this Thursday. Her response to this was "Oh sweetie...." and then the tears came. And they continued for a good couple hours. As I talked to my mom about the pain I've been going through I started feeling better. And then Jacqi sat down and started talking to me and the tears started coming again. As Jacqi cleaned up dinner, I went and got ready for bed and as I was washing my face the tears began again. 

And to finish the night off, I get on facebook and see that my old  high school flame is engaged. I really am happy for him, but sometimes it still hurts.

I've definitely been through a lot in my life. And sometimes I think that's an understatement. Parents getting divorced, high school boyfriend drama, parents getting remarried, going to college, moving to a different state, truly falling in love only to have it taken away, going through so much pain I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, roommate drama, being relief society president, making mistakes, figuring out what career path to take, having friends get married and having children, and wondering what in the world am I doing wrong.

But through all of these trials there have been wonderful blessings. I have grown so much in just the last month, let alone the last year, or two years, or since my parents got divorced. I know that Heavenly Father has put people in my life for reasons that I may not ever understand or know but that they have benefited me and helped me grow in some way. I know that the trials I'm going through and will go through help me grow into the woman I want to become and will help me become stronger than I've ever known possible. I know that as I strive to do that which I know is right, I'll be blessed and be happier than I have ever been. 

I know that tonight's breakdown is definitely not the last and that sometimes it's okay to cry and let everything out. I still feel like crying some more right now actually lol and I know that Heavenly Father will never ever ever ever leave me. Because I'm His daughter and He loves me more than I can comprehend. 

This week is going to be crazy but ya know what? I'm gonna make it great :)

I LOVE MY LIFE