My Year In 2013

As the year of 2013 is coming to an end, I’ve had time to reflect upon this past year. I can honestly say that this year has been one of the most challenging, most heart breaking, and most discouraging years of my life. I’m grateful for new beginnings, and to have the new year of 2014 approaching.

I was reading in my journal the other night and couldn’t help but cry as I read the entries from May to August. How I got through those 3 months, I have no idea. I’m just glad they’re over. I remember praying almost non-stop during that time but still feeling so heart broken, lonely, and confused. 

Tonight I’ve been thinking about what I want to be different for 2014. I’ve thought about what I need to change, and what I need to let go. Lately I’ve tried so hard to put people back in my life that chose to no longer be in it earlier this year. Although I did everything I could to accept them not wanting to be a part of my life anymore, I’ve felt lately that I should let them know how much I still care about them. But as I’ve tried to rekindle friendships, only to feel even more rejected than I did before, I realize that I need to put more trust in Heavenly Father and let things work out on their own.

I’ve made the decision to move back home to Utah next week. This has been one of the hardest, most heart breaking decisions I’ve ever made. I love BYU-Idaho, I love the environment, and I love the people here. But as I’ve prayed, I know that moving home is what I’m supposed to do right now. And I’m completely terrified.

I don’t want to leave Idaho. 

I don’t want to lose the people I’ve become close with here. But as I was talking with my roommates the other night, I was reminded that when we start to doubt an answer we’ve gotten, we must reflect and remember how we felt when our prayer was answered.

I still remember the night my prayer was answered about going home. It was about 2 or 3 in the morning and I had been up crying, so confused about what to do with my life, feeling so discouraged and lost. As I finished my prayer, I had an overwhelming peace come over me that I was supposed to return home to Utah. I called my dad right after (and yes I woke him up by calling), and explained to him my situation. The love and support I felt from him was very welcomed and I was able to dry my eyes and get some sleep that night.

On nights like tonight when I want something so badly, I have to remember Heavenly Father’s plan for me. I need to remember answers to prayers that I’ve received and follow through with those answers. 

I’m nervous for 2014. Because I don’t want it to be anything like 2013. I’m putting my entire heart into the hands of Heavenly Father and following everything He needs and wants me to do. I don’t completely know or understand why I’m supposed to go home. I don’t understand why I had to go through such awful heartbreak this year. I don’t understand why so many people I’ve loved so much walked out of my life and gave up. But I do understand that Heavenly Father loves me. I understand that I’m given trials to help me learn, grow, and gain experience. I understand that Heavenly Father has a plan for me and that if I do everything in my power to be a good person and follow His commandments that I will be eternally happy.

I watched this video tonight and it really gave me comfort. Maybe you’ll enjoy it too. 

I definitely don't want this to be a sad post. So to lighten things up a bit, I decided to write one good thing that happened for each month of 2013.

January: My best friend Kira had her sweet baby boy Will Michael Pace!! I absolutely love her and this little boy!! I don't know what I'd do without them in my life!! Kira has seen me at my absolute worst and yet she's always stuck around. She knows everything about me and continues to encourage and support me! She's an AMAZING mommy to Will and I'm so glad she's let me be a part of her life!!

February: Got to play with the newest member of our family! Our puppy Sugar! This dog can be SO annoying but she gives me such comfort when I'm sad and cuddles with me when I need a friend! I love playing with her and I love how excited she gets when I come home!

 

March: Was able to serve others and meet new people!

April: Got to spend a week at home with my family! 

May: One of the most influential people in my life, Camille Jasperson, gave her farewell talk for her mission! I miss her like crazy but she's doing AMAZING teaching the people about The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in Taiwan! Camille is such a great example of an all around great person and Heavenly Father knew I needed her in my life!

June: One of my best friends Brittany Anderson and I went to Idaho Falls on a Saturday and got to hold these adorable puppies!! Chick-fil-A was also included of course! Brittany got me through Spring semester. I don't know what I would've done without her!! She's truly one of my best friends and I don't know how I got so lucky to have her in my life!!

July: I got my Associate's Degree!!! And my wonderful grandparents and cousin ShirLynn came to support me!!! I'm so grateful for such amazing, supportive, and selfless family members! I can't thank my grandparents enough for all they do for me and ShirLynn has always been there for me whenever I've needed her! She gives the greatest advice and always reminds me to have fun in life!!

August: Went boating with my sister and nephews!! I can't even begin to explain how much comfort and happiness my sister and these little boys give me!! I love them so much and am so grateful to have been blessed with them!

September: Started a new semester at BYU-Idaho! I was called to be the Ward Pianist for my church calling and I have LOVED it!! I'm also part of an AMAZING Relief Society, and one of the best wards I've ever been in!! The bishopric is crazy awesome too!! I'm so blessed!!

October: My birthday!!! Not only did my mom send me a present in the mail but my awesome roommates, friends, and FHE brothers met at Applebee's for dinner! Then one of my roommates made me a cake and we had it at my apartment after! I was so touched by all the love I felt that day from Facebook messages, to phone calls, to text messages, to people stopping by my apartment, and those celebrating with me!!

November: Adventures with 3 of my roommates!! I say 3 of them because two of them (Alison and Kendra) are missing in this pic!! Ali and K-dawg are both engaged and spent most of their weekends with their sweethearts! So the four of us single ladies spent a lot of time together! It would literally take me hours to write about each individual roommate and how much I love and appreciate them!! I was SO BLESSED this semester with the amazing girls I live with!! I seriously consider them sisters and can't say enough positive things about them! 

December: More roommate adventures!! Including all of us though!! We had Kendra's bridal shower, and did a roommate dinner and gift exchange!! I'm going to miss these girls SO much!!!

I’m so grateful for the people that have come into my life during 2013 and those that continued to be a part of my life from years previous. If I were to make a list of all the people who I sincerely appreciate for how they’ve influenced me, I’m certain the list would be in the high hundreds. So many have made me smile, made me happy, and have truly been a blessing. I’m grateful for years of trial so I can appreciate the years of happiness. If there’s one thing I’ve noticed, in times of trial and adversity, there’s always a blessing to also be found. I love the gospel. I love my life. And I love the people in my life.  

50 Things You May Have Not Known

I noticed on Facebook, a large number of my friends were posting their status updates with a specific number of things people may or may not know about them. I found this really interesting and enjoyed reading all the many different status'. I decided from this that rather than posting a status with a random number that a Facebook friend decided to give me, I'd create a list with as many things as I could think of that people may not know about me. My list consists of over 100 different things and well, I decided to share a few with you.

1. I was blonde for most years until I was 22
2. I don't like vegetables
3. I enjoy cooking
4. I don't feel ready for the day until I have pants on
5. I hate wearing makeup
6. I love animals (except cats, reptiles, and rodents)
7. I used to write songs
8. I'm really good at rhyming
9. I have a double jointed elbow
10. My favorite Disney princess is Cinderella
11. I bruise easily
12. I hate my nose
13. I'm a clean freak
14. I love working out
15. I'm a hopeless romantic
16. I did hula dancing (Polynesian dancing) for 5 years
17. I was in the Chess Club in Junior High... I never won a single match.
18. I always wanted to be good at gymnastics
19. I'm a country girl at heart
20. I love being goofy
21. As I've gotten older I've become more quiet, shy, and reserved
22. I take super long showers but can't figure out why it takes me so long in there
23. I beat Donkey Kong Country on Super Nintendo 3 times before the age of 11
24. I have a back injury that affects my left leg to the point that sometimes my entire leg is numb or in extreme pain
25. I've always felt like I should do something with my life related to science but I'm really bad at science overall
26. My favorite subject in school is English
27. I love to read books, I just never have time
28. I have very detailed and vivid dream when I sleep that I can usually always remember
29. I hum and sing to myself without realizing it
30. I talk and sing in my sleep
31. I hate wearing my glasses so I usually always have my contacts in
32. I was in a car accident when I was younger that traumatized me to the point that I stuttered for a year after it happened
33. I bought my first car when I was 15 years old
34. I love mowing the lawn and doing yard work
35. I love driving my dads' old truck 
36. I love sports
37. I've never seen Star Wars, Star Trek, or Lord of the Rings
38. I can type over 100 words per minute
39. I hate driving at night and think it's super scary
40. I've done CPR on someone
41. I put cheese on practically everything
42. I love doing things outside like four wheeling, boating, camping, etc.
43. I love scary movies (Nothing rated R or Satanic)
44. The first thing I plan on doing after I graduate and am on my own is to get a dog
45. I rarely sleep through the night (I always wake up at least once).
46. I've played the piano since I was 7 years old
47. I've been to New Zealand
48. I love giving people gifts and serving others in any way that I possibly can
49. I've never been on a road trip before
50. If I could have any job in the world it would be to host a camp or have a stay-in facility for girls who have trouble with their self-image, have emotional problems, have low self-esteem, eating disorders, etc. and help them overcome these obstacles.

 How many things didn't you know about me? 

Answering the Most Asked Question

There has been a series of questions all related to one topic that seems to be on everyone's mind lately.

But before I address this, I need to give a little background info.

I'm a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Or in terms of slang: a Mormon. (If you want to learn more about my religion, click here www.mormon.org)

I'm also from the state of Utah. 

Both the culture of my religion, and where I'm from are pretty different. 

For example, it's extremely common for women to get married as young as 18 and men as young as 21. In fact, I feel comfortable saying it's the norm for women to marry between the ages of 19-21 and men to marry between the ages of 21-24. 

Now, let's get to the questions I've been asked in the past 2 years.

These questions consist of:

• You're 23 and not married?! What's wrong with you?... (Seriously someone said this)
• Why aren't you married yet?
• Do you like being single?
• Are you single because you choose to be?
• Is it difficult being a student at BYU-Idaho and being your age not married?
• Is there a benefit to being "older" and not married? 

And the list goes on with questions similar to this.

There are many ways that I can answer these questions.

I'll warn you now, this post is going to involve what I believe in personally and religiously. If this offends you, or you don't feel comfortable in regards to religion, feel free to stop reading now.

First of all, I don't think 23 years of age is old... AT ALL. But like I said, it's not really the norm to be 23 and not married in my culture. 

Growing up, I always thought I'd get married at the young age of 19 or 20 at most. And when that didn't happen, I beat myself up wondering what was wrong with me and why guys didn't want to be with me. I didn't realize then the important lessons I still needed to learn, and that my worth was/is greater than I was giving credit for.

Here comes the answers to those questions:

What's wrong with me? Why am I not married yet?

I kind of have to laugh at this first question because we all have our flaws and weaknesses. I can list off a number of things that I think are wrong with me but what good will that do? I know I'm constantly growing and have challenges and trials I must overcome. But I KNOW with the help of my Heavenly Father, I can get through my adversities. So what exactly is wrong with me then? My answer to this is that well, I'm human. 

I personally believe that Heavenly Father has a specific time for me in my life that I'm supposed to get married. I like to imagine Heavenly Father having a timeline of my life on a long scroll of parchment, with every blessing, trial, and major life event on it. Although there has been a couple of times in my life that I was positive I knew for sure I was supposed to marry a certain man, I think Heavenly Father labeled that part on my timeline "Growing experience, difficult trial, heartbreak for a reason". This may sound a bit silly to you, but I honestly believe that I'm not married yet because it's not my time.

Do I like being single? Am I single because I choose to be?

Yes and kind of yes.

I'm not going to lie and tell you that I don't have my bad days. Because, trust me I do. I'll get more into that later. But for the most part, I do enjoy being single. Not that I wouldn't want a man in my life right now but like I said earlier, it's just not my time. I believe in healing almost completely from a heartbreak in order to pursue new love. I'm still recovering from my last heartbreak right now and feel that if I got into a relationship at this time, it wouldn't be fair to myself or the guy. So I would say yes, I'm single because I choose to be. I don't know how difficult getting a boyfriend would be at the moment. But I try to not think about it because right now I'm focusing on other things in my life so that time can heal me and help me prepare for another relationship. 

Is it difficult being my age, and a student at BYU-Idaho and not married?

For those of you who don't know, BYU-Idaho is sometimes nicknamed BYU-I do because a lot of students here get married while in attendance. 

Yes, it is difficult.

It's difficult because I'm labeled as "old" here. I've been the oldest in my apartment the last two semesters, and by two years. (I'm 23, the next oldest roommate is almost 21). It's also difficult because some of the men here don't like dating girls of my age. For example, more times than I can count, I've had a guy ask for my number or even out on a date and when they find out my age, they're shocked and try to explain in a nice but awkward way that they don't want to go on a date with someone "that old". So why do these guys ask me out in the first place you ask? Well, I may be 23, but I look about 19 on most days. 

It also seems all over campus there are lovey-dovey couples. You'd think this could be avoided perhaps by finding another route to classes but nope. Seriously, couples are EVERYWHERE. This can become discouraging as I notice the space between my fingers are lonely and wishing I was holding hands with the man of my dreams. 

Every conversation in Church, at church activities, and campus seem to revolve around relationships as well.

Is there a benefit to being "older" and not married?

Yes.

Let me help you understand. I'm not even close to the same person now that I was when I was 19, or 20, or even 21. Every year that goes by, I grow more and more. I gain more experience, I learn more, I understand more, my testimony grows immensely, and I figure out a little bit more about myself. I've had over 40 different roommates since being in college. And this has helped me because I've had to learn to live with, (and hopefully love) 40 different types of girls from 40 different backgrounds. Because of this, my patience and loving capabilities are a million times more now than what they were 4 years ago. I fear that my 19 year old self would've been extremely impatient, frustrated, and rude with a husband who left his dirty socks on the floor every night before getting into bed. But now I think it'd be one of those little quirks that would make me love him. And I would patiently and lovingly simply put those socks into the hamper, kiss him on the forehead, and remind him how appreciative I am of him working so hard everyday and taking care of me. See the difference?

Being 23 years old, I've watched all of my closest friends get married, and some even have children. I consider this an amazing blessing because after being involved in their weddings, I now have these amazing sisters to help me know what I should and shouldn't include for my wedding. I'll have lots of advice and counsel when it comes to that special day and for when I have children of my own.

I'm sure you've noticed that I've kept a somewhat positive and optimistic attitude throughout all of this. Don't let this fool you. I still get sad and discouraged. I still cry occasionally. I still have doubts and wonder why things haven't worked out with anyone yet. I have a hard time wondering if my wedding day is even going to be special because everyone else has already experienced their big day and has moved on to the next chapter in their lives having kids and their little families. I still pin stuff on my wedding board on pinterest and wonder what I'll look like in my wedding dress. Some nights I think about the guy(s) I like and cry myself to sleep feeling like they'll never love a girl like me. And on my really bad days, I want to run through the couples holding hands like a kid playing red rover or send myself a "good morning beautiful" text just to make myself feel better.

I have no idea when I'll meet "the one" and get married. Perhaps I'll meet him next week. Perhaps it won't be until I'm in my 60s. But I know that as long as I keep doing what I know is right, and have a strong relationship with my Heavenly Father, everything is going to be just fine. For right now, I plan on living a happy, healthy life filled with large amounts of laughter. Life is much too short to be angry, sad, jealous, or bitter. I'm truly happy for the couples out there who have found their forever. It helps me realize that true love does really exist and how amazing the plan of salvation really is.

Although I definitely have my bad days, I'm so grateful for the gospel and the plan I know Heavenly Father has for me. I'm so grateful for the lessons and experiences I've learned and gained over the short 23 years I've been here. I'm looking forward to the adventures and lessons that await me in the near future and know that there's nothing given to me that I can't handle. I'm grateful for love. I'm grateful for trials. And I'm grateful for my wonderful, blessed, and happy life. At the end of the day, I'm grateful for the heartbreaks I've been through and the lessons I've taken away from them.

I love my life